Are you a Giver or a Taker?

Are you a giver or a taker?

I hate that this sounds so cynical but in my experience with relationships there seems to be two types of people. There are givers and there are takers. That is not to say that you can’t be both, but the bottom line is we spend more time being one or the other. It’s what we do when we are not thinking about it that is the true test of whether we are a giver or a taker. I’m sure we would all like to think that we are givers, but if we genuinely reflect upon our behavior with others many of us would discover otherwise.

When we are under stress such as in a fight with a loved one, does’nt’t it seem that the same person continually makes the greater effort to make-up? First to apologize; quick to forgive their partner even if the “taker” made a half hearted attempt at making a mends; that’s the “giver.” The person that pleads ignorance and seems to pretend as if the fight never occurred, going about there day as if they were not aware that their significant other is hurt; that’s the taker. In the best of relationships the two parties involved share the roles of giver and taker evenly, they compromise.

However our relationships with others are complicated by how we feel about ourselves.
(For instance what did we grow up with in terms of parents, givers or takers?). Do we feel we have to take because we are convinced there aren’t any givers out there? Do we feel we deserve to take? Do we feel we have to give or others won’t care? The scenarios are endless and just thinking about them is exhausting. The reality of the situation is that it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past. What matters is what is happening right now. If your last relationship ended because the ratio of giving and taking was not to your liking, chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

Don’t be blind and continue to make the same mistakes with the same types of people. The reality that I wish to share with you that will transform your life is that the only truly happy and fulfilled people are the givers. How we treat others is directly linked to who we attract. We let into our lives people that treat us in similar ways. Giving begets giving. However you have to trust this to be true to let go and give it a shot. So the key is to be a giver. Practice giving of yourself to others. Giving to friends, family, even strangers will enrich your life beyond your current comprehension. It is the road to recovery that you need to focus now.  Giving seems counter intuitive, but it works.  It attracts those that give back as long as you recognize the difference between the two types.  Say yes to those that reciprocate and not to those that do not.

So how is it that we learn to be a giver? Is there a class, a book to read, or is
it just the personality of some people to be givers. The reality of the situation is that givers are created in essentially the same way that takers are. Givers start by giving to themselves. They treat themselves well. They understand and believe that they are worth the effort. If our site were to convey one message to you it would be to be good to yourself, as it is the basis for recovering from a break up. So start being a giver today and start with that person in the mirror.

Here is a cool little self help guide you might like.  It’s cheesy, but what the hell - it can’t hurt…

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Just broke up? Have a laugh…

We get so many emails asking us to help in the healing process. The best advice we can give you is to laugh. Laughing is the best way to recovery. It is the quintessential way to heal your broken heart. Find the things in life that make you happy. You need to move on, no matter how much you think you love the person you just left or that left you. In our assesment, you will eventually laugh at all the drama your break up has caused. In that we are sure. Please visit the “HEAL” category for more info on how to heal. If you need a laugh, then go to our “Laughing heals a broken heart” category. Whatever you need, we have it.

We have been in the Break Up business a long time and we know how hard it can be when ending a relationship. Please tell us what you think and don’t be shy. If you cannot find what you need, then we will be happy to provide it for you in the future. We accept suggestions, so the we can at the very least attempt to solve the problem. A broken heart is a serious thing, so be honest. Browse all our categories, you’ll be shocked at all the advice we’ve collected. Take at look at your life and find all the that is good about it. Forget the past for now, look forward and heal. Once you do, you can return for revenge or for love. In any case you need to feel better, so focus on that…

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Big Break Up - Big City…

I never realized, until a friend from New York pointed it out, that Los Angeles (LA) was a lonely place.  I personally think LA is magical and full of opportunities to reinvent yourself. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. You see, LA is huge and there is no central place, no downtown and very little in the way of a centralized city.  Hours upon hours are spent driving to and from locations each day. LA is made up of many smaller cities which rarely, if ever, have a center.  That creates an environment in which the city’s population learns to fend for itself in terms of socializing.  LA is a car culture, where talking on cell phones, listening to music and fighting traffic over extremely long distances is standard practice. “What does that have to do with breaking up?”, you ask. 

Well, the fact that no one walks in LA is significant.  You can drive to a new town and engage in new hobbies.  You can change your environment as fast as you change into new clothes. In LA, breakup recovery requires two things.  One is a reliable car the other is music.  Luckily they both go hand in hand. LA is a music culture because we spend so much time in our cars.  We rely on music to soothe us, during intense driving. During a breakup this is particularly helpful, since music is a key component of healing. Music helps us escape the depression of lost love.  Most cars despite their condition have, at the very least, a radio.  Today we have more music choices than ever, you will find MP3 players, CD players and satellite radios in our cars, just to name a few. Does that make breakup recovery easier in LA? Not necessarily, since finding a new relationship is difficult in such a scattered environment.  Still, the car is a very intimate place to heal and healing is the key to new relationships.

In a big city you commonly have big breakups.  It is easy to hide and even disappear in such an environment.  The odds of running into an X-boy or girlfriend walking on the street are extremely low in LA.  In fact, in most cases you may live in completely different cities within LA county. That is actually a good thing because you will be given the opportunity to heal with out reminders of the person that hurt you or that you hurt.  In the big city, you can change your attitude by finding a new latitude.  This ability to change environments is a challenge. If met with success though, healing is a breeze. 

Culture also plays a role in breaking up in a big city.  changing your life is simplified because one has the choice of joining so many different communities here.  You can drive anywhere and set up your social camp.  The hard part of course is meeting new people.  Big cities are a complex series of networks.  Starting with a small network and working your way into bigger networks is the key.  In LA, this is standard social decorum.  Joining a network that is well established is difficult unless someone brings you in, so you need to meet that someone first.  Creating one is difficult because everything is so spread out, so you need to join an established network. These networks of people are not formal clubs of course, so you need to be outgoing on some level to meet its  members. Music can help you be more outgoing due to its inherent conversational quality.  Who doesn’t want to talk about music in the big city?

This is the defining aspect in a breakup.  Those that are most successful in a big city breakup are usually outgoing.  Does that mean you have to be a party animal to join a new or lost network of friends?  No, you don’t, but you cannot hide until the tears stop rolling down your face.  You need to be open to new ideas and people.  In a huge intimidating city, that becomes a challenge.  To overcome this challenge you need courage.  Courage can be fueled by the anger caused by the break up.  Yes, we are taught all of our lives to avoid anger and hide it.  That way of thinking is detrimental in a break up.  You must express your anger in healthy ways.

Music is both expressive and healthy. Find music that helps you cry and scream. This music will begin the healing process.  After that, begin your new life, using the anger as the fuel for courage.  Anger will motivate you to meet new people.  Do not give into depression. Give into music, driving, friends and family.  The big city can be conquered, but you need the essential tools.  Surviving a break up in LA requires a car and great music.  Surely you recognize the simplicity in that…

“Almost everyone we know has been through heartbreak. The first step towards healing is to acknowledge the fact that it happens. Accept it and move on. Here are some suggestions you might find helpful…”

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Prepare for dissapointment, but strive for success…

Our motto is, “success is the best revenge”.  We say that because we are confident that using the energy that one feels during a break up for your benefit of health rather than for self pity will lead to success.  When we as a species are disappointed we are given two choices, fight or flight.  Why should you run away (flight), when you can face your fears and learn to fight?  Fighting depression and low self esteem is a worthy cause.
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This attitude will hep you cope with disappointment to the extent that you will be able to achieve great success and inner strength. Striving to better yourself during bouts of sadness will help you heal. When one is hit with emotional trauma, a certain focus arises from within that can be used for the benefit of one’s self.  Sure, many use this focus to concentrate deeply on their loss.  The question is why?  If you have a chance to use your focus for success, then why not use it?  Breakups  are an opportunity to have a relationship with yourself.  Think about it.

Crying over spilled milk is fine for the first few days, or even weeks, of a break up.  The problem is that you will never feel better unless you try to get up, shake off the dirt and get back on the horse.  When we say horse we do not mean dating.  We are talking about exercise, eating right and getting a life.  Sure, you are no longer a couple, boo hoo.  The point is NOT to become a couple again.  If you take care of yourself, relationships will come to you.

Your focus should be on becoming a stronger and more healthy individual.  When you pursue success, dating and relationships are a breeze.  Remember, prepare for disappointment, but strive for success.  Preparing for dissapointment involves setting realistic goals.  Smalls goals at first and larger ones as time progresses. In the end you will be successful, just because you tried.  Trying helps you heal.  Trying teaches you the true meaning of the relationship that has just ended.

“I’m not saying that disappointment isn’t valid, but rather, by examining the root of why something or someone disappoints us, we can discover a lot about ourselves and find peace of mind.”

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So many ways to break up, so little time…

At the risk of being frivolous, we are posting this light hearted article.  We realize that breakups are difficult and emoitionally draining.  That is why we strongly believe in comedy as a therapudic way to relieve anxiety and stress.  Focus on laughter and comedy when you are stressed and tell us what you think.  If it works we will continue to post light hearted articles every now and then.

Breakups occur for many reasons, but what they all have in common is that one they will make you laugh.  It’s hard to picture at the moment, but it’s true. We hear hundreds of stories of people that broke up, then learned to laugh about the crazy situations that led up to that break up.  It is human nature to laugh about something that made you cry.  When in a relationship it is difficult to imagine life without one or within a new one.  Trust us, this is not the case after a break up.  When you learn to be alone and to appreciate moments in which you can redifine yourself, things change.  Laughing about a traumatic event that led to a great situation is natural.  Try to envision yourself at the point when the break up becomes funny.  You may not laugh, but you will feel better.

Remember, there are many ways in which a breakup can take place.  We are of the belief that one must initiate a break up as soon as one is committed to doing so.  Delaying this process is hurtful to all parties involved.  Honesty, regardless of the circumstances, will set you free.  Yes there are several ways to soften the blow.  We encourage that!  Nevertheless, holding back any part of the truth may create ambiguity which is the last thing any one wants in this situation. 

Alternatively, there are situations in which breaking up is not such a big deal.  There are plenty of articles on this site that talk about the serious nature of break ups, but few that deal with odd situations.  Below are some fun audio files from our archive…

Compassionate Break Up

Funny break up story 1

Funny break up story 2

Do you know what you want?

From the Dr. of Reality:

In my experiences working with people, I’ve discovered that complaining for the sake of complaining is an easy habit to pick up. Verbalizing what we don’t like about our lives, or listing what we believe to be the roadblocks to our happiness becomes a snowball that grows so big it rolls over everything in its path. Worse yet, the inner dialogues that we often subject ourselves to can beat us down to a pulp, to a shell of the person we once were. There is a way to avoid all this though.

This is sort of a good news bad news scenario. The good news is that you are in complete control and can create the life that you’ve always dreamed of. The bad news is it will require you to change at a fundamental level. Don’t get me wrong this is not bad news as far as we are concerned. We believe that change is great and it should be welcomed. However it is often perceived as bad news by people that have just suffered an emotional trauma such as a breakup. Complaining helps most of us vent and release anger and anguish, but when we get carried away, we lose site of what we want. We want to feel better, but we get caught up in all the complaining. We depress ourselves.

We are what we think.  If we pour all of our energy into what we don’t have, we lose the ability to focus on what we want - hapiness. It is easy to lose site of what makes us happy when we are so focused on what doesn’t.  The fastest way to quiet a chronic complainer is to ask them what makes them happy. Are you one of those people?

If I were to ask you to list the 10 things in your life that make you happy or 10 things that would/could make you happy, what would the list say? I don’t mean things like winning the lottery either, I mean things that are really possible, things that are in your control.  Getting a promotion at work or going to dinner with friends are good examples. Those things typically make us happy. Spend some time thinking about what you want and about what would make you happy. When you place emphasis on happiness, you gain a clear picture of how that happiness will come to fruition.  The odds of happiness becoming a real part of your life are better when you forget about what makes you sad. The bottom line is that we find what we seek, so seek to feel good and make a list of positive things in your life. After that, do me a favor and get rid of the list of things you hate…

“Depression involves sadness, pessimism, a preoccupation with personal problems, and perhaps feeling sorry for one’s self, anguish, crying, and hopelessness. Depressed people often lose interest in many activities and social contacts because of loss of pleasure in and enthusiasm for their usual activities…”

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Heal yourself, take risks

One of our main objectives is to motivate those in a break up situation to heal themselves as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it’s hard to imagine that all the pain you feel is temporary.  It feels permanent.  Think about it though, was your relationship permanent?  Is anything on earth permanent?  We say, “NO”.  Life is always evolving and changing around us.  Successful people gain momentum with change.  In fact, in some cases these people create change themselves, guiding life’s chaos into a desired direction.  You too can do this.

What does it take?  Well, the simple answer is courage.  If you face the future with optimism and plunge into the unknown with an open mind, then great things can happen.  While in a state of emotional flux, it is recommended that you focus on self improvement.  The best way to succeed is to fail over and over again.  Trust me, that is soo not easy.  Nevertheless, it is doable.  Failing takes practice.  You have to be totally aware that you will fail, then you must accept failure as part of your daily routine.  Once this is mastered, you will achieve a state of, “not caring”.  We call it a sate of “not caring”, because you will not bother with all the worry of failing or making a fool of yourself.  This will encourage you to try new things, since failure becomes a real possibility that you can live with. Why?  Because it is the only way you will succeed.  Those that reach their goals did so by trying, time and time again.  Failure is an option.  Failing to meet a goal is the only way you get good at anything. 

Think about it.  If you want to be a tennis pro, you need to lose against people that are better than you. You continue to lose until you acquire skills.  Once those skills take hold, you will begin to win.  Yes, it seems counter-intuitive, but it is a time tested system that works.  In this state of emotional sadness and fear you will be able to make your mind flexible.  After all, what do you have to lose? Take chances, go for the gold.  Breakups are a great opportunity to discover what you are really capable of, without risking anything in terms of a relationship.

Those that learn to fail, learn to try again.  Those that try again, learn to win.  Those that win, are never afraid of failing.  There is nothing on earth more satisfying than facing your fears.  Take this opportunity to improve your skills in anything you desire.  Expose yourself to humiliation.  You will find that failing is not as bad as it seems.  It induces courage and courage is all you need to enter into another relationship.  If you’re angry, use that anger to motivate yourself to try new things.  In a few months you will have mastered a new skill that will carry you into the next phase of your life.  Once you get over your ex, you will have a skill to show for all your pain and suffering.  Make all this pain work for you.  Live a little and invest in taking chances.  Become one with your vulnerability. The essence of courage is the ability to recognize your fears and to continue forward despite them…

“What lets risk-takers mine primal sources or soar with creative currents? These “on the edge” individuals:

Are not overly preoccupied with making mistakes or with social disapproval; they are able to tolerate the anxiety of separateness, 

Have a strong enough ego to admit when they are wrong or in trouble, and 

Analyze, emotionally experience and learn from trial and error. And with this foundation, “creative persons are precisely those that take the cards that make them anxious” (May)…” 

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Depressed? This guy can help…

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  It’s true despite its obvious corniness.  You just gotta start laughing at how crazy love is.  We all take it seriously, I know.  Nevertheless, just try to understand that one day, you will look back at your breakup and laugh yourself silly.  We all do it, trust me. Listen to Kevin Hughes, he knows a thing or two about relationships… “Many stand-up comics include observations about sex and the intricacies of male/female relationships in their shows. But few approach those inter-related topics with as much depth and insight as Kevin Hughes…”

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