The Brain in Love

“The heart wants what it wants.” I can’t tell you how this phrase has helped me over the years. In trying to romance a woman, or in trying to break up with her, this simple statement has worked its way into conversation more times than I can recall. So, you can imagine how distressed I was to learn that it may be bullshit. I say “may” because I’m still very attached to my little phrase, but modern science suggests the more accurate line is “The brain does what it does.”Recently, in an effort to better understand the fairer sex, I picked up a copy of The Female Brain (Broadway Books, 2007) the national bestseller by Louann Brizendine, MD. The book’s premise is that hormones dictate much of human behavior and certainly have a huge influence on the key factors involved in coupling. “They help guide nurturing, social, sexual, and aggressive behaviors,” the author asserts, as well as a host of other behaviors that are at the heart of the beginning, middle - and the end - of every relationship. This includes flirtation, seduction, sex, orgasm, falling in love, cheating, and breaking up.” As an aside, of all the words in that quote, “orgasm” stands out most. Is that a guy thing?

Anyway, I know all about hormones, so I can handle the idea that they can dictate moods (I have all kinds of sisters and wives and daughters, and 16-year-old sons, remember). However, Brizendine contends that falling in love is itself a documented brain state. As a hopeless romantic, I was displeased to hear that. Could the one thing that we all idealize and aspire to - romantic love - and the process of forming love relationships really be nothing more than the product of hormones and brain chemistry? Is there no “fate” or “soul” or “heart” involved?

Does that make heartache as clinical as heartburn? Pass the Zantac and let’s call it a day?

Speaking of indigestion - and chest pain - if love is just a brain state. why does it hurt so damn bad?!?

Since we’re riding the science train today, I’ll offer this tidbit from the book: apparently, brain-imaging studies tell us that romantic rejection - read: heartbreak, getting dumped, dumping others, even - hurts as much as physical pain, because it triggers the same circuits in the brain. That actually helps, because the point of the heart wanting what it wants was to show that we’re helpless to fight it. Well, if you slip on a banana peel and fall on your ass, you’re helpless to fight the pain in your coccyx. So, if your heart, via your brain, of course, is aching, what can you do about it?

A better question is why? Why does the brain cause pain when we break up? Why does it trigger those circuits? (By the way, “what” and “how” are decent as questions go, but in life you may find that “why” beats them hands down…try replacing “what” and “how” with “why” and you’ll see what I mean)

If you’re one of those people who believe that there’s a bigger picture, you might argue that heartbreak hurts for the same reason our tailbone hurts when we fall: it’s a warning. The Female Brain (and while this is not a paid endorsement, it should be because this book is teaching me more about my brain than I expected to learn) reminds us that pain, that shocks to our system, serve the purpose of waking us up to danger and motivating us to change our behavior. If falling down hurts, we may try to avoid it in the future. If heartbreak is agony, maybe we will seek out healthier relationships and maybe, just maybe we’ll find one that is functional (like I said, I’m a hopeless romantic).

It’s great to discover that if our brain is the source of our emotions, at least it has our best interests at heart.

Before we know it, this article will be finished, so let’s talk about sex. Brizendine writes, “Being dumped actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.” She gets into some highly technical language at this point (she’s a doctor, I’m a writer), that from what I can tell boils down to the fact that the brain reacts to being dumped by craving a reunion with the source of the emotions. “This state elicits not trust and bonding, but painful, intense searching for the beloved,” Brizendine explains. In other words, you lose control of your mind and the body’s biological & neurological impulses take over…and it isn’t pretty - or healthy.

It’s exciting, though, and it’s something both male and female brains crave. Why? Because, simply put, it makes us more than we are. We expand ourselves by merging with another. It sounds great, this expansion - our likes and dislikes come together, we open our minds to ideas we never did before, we try new things (or think we do), we compromise (or think we do). It’s also part of our survival instincts, to find a mate as we do food…of course, food will never, ever call you an asshole.

When the breakup comes…well, all the symptoms are familiar to anyone who’s experienced a breakup, so I won’t bother to list them, but we know they range in extremity - and often make us feel like we’re bordering on insanity. The only thing we can think about is getting back together with our newly minted ex.

For obvious reasons, makeup sex is almost impossible to resist, yet it only complicates matters and, like going off the wagon, inevitably extends the period of weaning off the other person (note to self: write an article on Makeup Sex).

The bottom line is this: perhaps there’s something truly helpful about demystifying what happens in the brain when we’re in love. Sure, we all want to get swept up in the irrational passions of love and not think about the chemistry behind what’s happening to us. We want to “listen to our heart.” We want the mystery and the rush and the feeling of two souls connecting on a level that no other human being can possibly duplicate. And maybe there IS some truth to these notions, but when it comes to breaking up, maybe it’s worth trying to focus on the fact that the pain, hurt, heartache and irresistible urge to reunite with the ex (while forgetting/ignoring ALL of the reasons that led to the breakup in the first place) are really just a product of brain chemistry and there’s nothing at all mystical or magical about it.

Yes, the brain does what it does, which makes the heart want what it wants. And when you break up with someone, you can count on a chain reaction that is legitimately painful but completely explicable. If breaking up is the right thing, you just have to bite the bullet and prepare yourself for the pain of ‘weaning your brain’ off of that other person. Hopefully, this knowledge may minimize the midnight drive-by’s and the drunk dialing, which only prolong the escape and healing parts of the breakup process.

Is there a 12-step program for people going through breakups? Perhaps there should be (I need to explore this concept for the site…but first, I need to write the makeup sex article).

Break up or stay together? The answer is, yes…

Most breakups occur once they are initiated whether couples want to stay together or not.  The trick is to know your situation despite what you intend to do.  This break up momentum is mostly due to a loss of trust.  That loss is difficult to overcome, but not impossible.  How do you know if you can overcome such a loss?  Well, the answer is a bit complex.  First you have to know whether or not you love your partner enough.  Then you have to asses whether your partner loves you enough.  That is the hard part of course, since it requires trust to believe someone in the first place. 

That trust complexity is not the only stumbling block.  You must also, learn to appreciate your partner in ways you never did before.  To do all this you have to start at the beginning, when you didn’t know a thing about your partner.  This will help re-map the brain’s memory of love.  The love map is important because it defines how much you love a person.  I know, this is not an exact science and you must practice a lot before getting all this mapping stuff down.  Nevertheless, if your relationship is worth anything you should look into the love map.  If you are breaking up for sure, then read on because the love map can help you in other ways. Salvaging the relationship is not the only reason to look at your love map.  You may both discover that there is no interest in saving your relationship, saving both of you the heart ache and guilt of being the “bad guy”.

The article below provides straightforward tools that will help you discover how the love for your partner is mapped.  These tools will also help you decipher whether or not you know your partner well enough to determine if a break up is inevitable.  That, by the way, is the key to any break up.  Most of us are not entirely sure we know someone.  Our instincts are always more keen than our intellect in these matters.  If your instinct tells you that there are aspects of your partner that you do not know, then for Pete’s sake find out what they are.

We often advise people to initate inevitable break ups as soon as possible to circumvent abusive treatment.  People become abusive because they lost trust or because they feel guilty. The thing people may not understand is that this abuse is heightened by one’s inability to determine whether a break up is necessary.  One gets anxious and starts to sabotage the relationship so that is seems out of control.  People at this point hope that destiny takes over and that decisions are made by amount of pain one can take.  All this abuse is unnecessary if one accesses the brain’s map to see how much love is there.  Only at that point can you determine what to do. 

Remember there are two choices.  The first is leaving.  If you know that there is too much to overcome in terms of your love map, then leave.  If you know that you can enhance your love map to better appreciate your partner, then consider staying.  Always keep in mind that you need to find out if your partner is willing to perform love map exercises with you.  Without your partner’s cooperation all this is pointless.  The article bellow explains the love map theory.

What BreakUpService has to say:

know your partner well.  This takes time and energy.  If you are in a break up situation, then go all out.  What do you have to lose after all?  Argue, plead, talk, cry or laugh, do whatever it takes to know everything about your partner first.  If your partner engages and does likewise, then both of you will know whether you belong together or not.  If your mind is made up and you want to break up, then perform this exercise anyway.  Help your partner get over the fact that you want to break up, by showing him/her what you’re all about.  This practice will help you with your future relationships, since all successful romances require full disclosure.  Why not practice on a relationship in which you have little to lose.  It will help you and your partner despite the outcome…

“…in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. But the other 33% did not see such a drop, and many felt their marriages had improved. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps…”

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Analyzing the love reaction will help you cope with loss…

Analyzing love is a great coping mechanism when dealing with lost love.  It turns out that analyzing, what we call, the love reaction helps us understand that emotional pain stems from our perspective.  Looking at love as a scientific process by which we connect, helps us detach from the pain of its loss.  Sometimes we become obsessed with our interpretation of love rather than seeing love as a natural path to forming bonds with others.  This obsession increases our pain because we forget that our experiences are a series of chemical changes.  Forgetting that these chemical changes are what makes us feel love is dangerous because we lose site of the fact that we control our emotions. Not controlling our emotions can send us into a tailspin of depression - not good.

So how do we overcome depression and convert all these feelings into a more sane point of view?  Science!  Yes, the more we understand about love and how it affects us, the more confident we become when trying to control emotional pain.  Forming a physical bond with someone takes place because of chemical changes in our minds.  If these chemical changes are a process, then a simple recalibration of those reactions will help us cope.  The more you know about love the better.

We see this love reaction as a spiritual voyage, a gift from above - a journey towards our destiny.  That is all well and good when we are in a relationship. If we are in a midst of a break up, on the other hand, then that kind of thinking can lead to depression.  It leads to depression because we feel that destiny, God or the universe is letting us down.  Fortunately, that is not true.  Love is a series of chemical reactions that help us feel things we typically enjoy.  Breakups, by the same token, are a series of events that break down the memories of those chemical reactions.  By viewing love and the loss as chemical processes we begin to see the solutions that help us cope. One solution of course is that these chemical reactions can be triggered again by other relationships. The same reactions are triggered by other types of love.

Yes, looking forward to another, new and meaningful relationship helps us trigger these same chemical reactions, lowering the risk of depression.  Looking forward to a healthy and meaningful relationship can also trigger what we like to call our, “single mode”.  This single mode is when we are most capable of taking care of ourselves.  In “single mode” we often go out of our way to eat right, look good and sound great.  Why?  We evolved to breed, to mate and to get along with others.  By loosing our mate an ancient instinct kicks in that prepares us to hunt and gather.  At this point we are ready for action.  It is natural to look and feel good after a traumatic event .  It is natural because we, the human race, are survivors.  We evolved to survive such events in our lives.  Knowing all this, can help you trigger this instinct to become stronger while we are single to attract other mates.  Isn’t nature amazing?  We think it is, so get out there and start looking ahead to more interactions with people you find attractive. Or better yet, find people that you love on any level.

Please keep in mind that the love reaction can also be triggered by spending time with people you love in other ways.  Family and friends come into play at this stage, so call your family or friends that you consider family.  These people with help you cope and reinvigorate you ability to take chances with the newness of your life.  Love for your family and friends provides the same chemical reactions that made you happy in your previous relationship.  Never underestimate the power of love…

“Cupid’s chemicals
Flushed cheeks, a racing heart beat and clammy hands are some of the outward signs of being in love. But inside the body there are definite chemical signs that cupid has fired his arrow…”

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Breaking Up? Not all is lost…

Here at www.BreakUpService.com we often preach that people who are committed to breaking up should get it over with quickly.  This helps all parties involved, since they are spared endless days and nights of pondering what-ifs.  We feel break ups are an opportunity to redefine yourself.  We see these moments as precious since they are few and far between.  Our motto is, “breakups are a window into new opportunities…” Breakups don’t have to be a bad thing.  The best revenge is success.

Nevertheless, there are times that couples should not break up.  Marriage, for instance, is sacred and much thought needs to be given as to how a marriage can be saved. When kids are involved, this is especially true.  There is help out there.  EFT for instance helps couples cope with what matters most, family.  This theory involves a couples mutual co-dependence.  It helps us realize our ability to depend on others for love.  Hey, in our definition, family is all about co-dependence…

“The Martins were perfect candidates for EFT, an approach to marital counseling that seeks to re-create a sense of connection between partners. Unlike the traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which focuses on teaching communication skills, EFT hinges on getting partners to recognize that they’re both emotionally dependent on the other for love, comfort, support and protection, much like a child depends on a parent…”

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Understanding differences between men and women

There is nothing more disheartening than to sit next to a person that just doesn’t get it. To watch an attractive person completely destroy their chances with someone because they have no idea how insensitive or annoying they are.  Think about it for a second. Are you annoying? Maybe this had something to do with the demise of your relationship. It always pays dividends to learn more about yourself, as well as a potential mate. More and more research continues to demonstrate that we are an intuitive breed. If that’s true, then knowing how your behavior can affect someone else is  possible.�

Women especially can pick up on subtle cues and indicators of emotion that can be exhilarating if validated and completely frustrating if ignored. Sometimes we just need to be quiet enough in our thoughts to listen to our intuitive feelings. We need to trust ourselves more…

“Awareness of biological differences between women and men does help, though, she writes: “If you’re aware of the fact that a biological brain state is guiding your impulses, you can choose not to act or to act differently than you might feel compelled. But first we have to learn to recognize how the female brain is genetically structured and shaped by evolution, biology and culture.”�

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Can your heart really be broken?

Geez, there is evidence that a person’s heart can actually be physically broken.  Let us know what you think…

“Researchers at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore have found that emotional trauma can result in the release of hormones that can “stun” the heart, mimicking the symptoms of a heart attack…”

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Passionate feelings are a good thing! Especially for business…

See?  We are always touting that strong feelings for someone are worth your time and effort.  The more you do it the better you will be at handeling such emotions.  Two scholars from Harvard, yes Harvard, agree that strong feelings can actually help in negotiations.  Remember, relationships are just on going negotiantions as far as we are concerned.  Read on my curious little friends…

” Roger Fisher (left), director of the Harvard Negotiation Project, isn’t afraid to show his feelings, and neither is associate director Daniel Shapiro. The two have recently co-authored ‘Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate.’ (Staff photo Rose Lincoln/Harvard News Office…”

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Love is a chemical reaction, glad that’s settled…

Here is another article that supports the fact that love is a chemical reaction.  Again, looking at love in this way make take the sting out of your breakup.  Remember, breaking up does not have to be a negative thing in your life…

“OVER the course of history it has been artists, poets and playwrights who have made the greatest progress in humanity’s understanding of love. Romance has seemed as inexplicable as the beauty of a rainbow. But these days scientists are challenging that notion, and they have rather a lot to say about how and why people love each other.”

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Love Is a Science

Here is some interesting research being performed on “Love”.  Have we actually figured it out? It actually helps to think of love in a scientific way, especially when you are involved in an emotional breakup.  Trust us, over analyzing is a great coping mechanism.  Read learn and get your mind off all the emotional baggage. In the worste case scenario, you may learn something…

“Emotions like love are, according to clinical neurologist Antonio Damasio, ‘neither intangible nor elusive. Contrary to traditional scientific opinion, feelings are just as cognitive as other percepts. They are the result of a most curious physiological arrangement that has turned the brain into the body’s captive audience …”

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