I’m sorry didya say something?

I often hear how Men never listen to Women. I gotta say, I totally believe it. I often find myself talking directly with men as apposed to indirectly with women. I thought about it for a while and finally realized why. Men rarely require me to figure out what they’re saying. I know, that’s not politically correct. Please let me explain. Men automatically expect other men to relate. That helps me, as a man, to say whatever is on my mind to other men. I think that’s part of the whole male bonding phenomenon. I often expect that a man is going through the exact same thing I’m going through. I also assume (ladies you are going to love this) that men are not emotionally intuitive enough to figure out what’s wrong with me. This negative stereotype is what makes talking to men a breeze.

A man often risks very little when revealing intimate feelings or outlandish thoughts to another man. Very little judgment happens in a male conversation, since the true impetus for statements and revelations rarely come to the forefront. If you assume they (men) relate to you, while understanding their limited ability to intuitively understand what you’re actually saying, then talking openly requires little courage or thought. You just say what’s on your mind and call it a day. Yes, I said here first. Men need to be told what people feel, we are not intuitive enough to guess. I am pretty sure it has something to do with how we are socialized as boys. We are taught to grab dominance and quickly turn to charm within a relationship, not to help another person with their emotional problems.

Women tend to read past all the charm and fake dominance. They look for the root of statements - the reason statements are made. They look for the heart of most conversations. This is one of the reasons women have so much faith in men. Don’t get me wrong that’s a great thing, except that men rarely live up to all the hype. This faith leads women to state their case in a hidden code, hoping that men will pick up  on subtle hints. Women hope men will delve deeper into the conversation. Unfortunately, men just hear the words and rarely read between the lines. Men try to intuitively guess what women are implying, but there is where all the problems start. Our intuitive abilities are numbed by all the male bonding. What I mean is that when men bond they get very blunt straightforward statements that require very little intuition. Also, since men assume other men relate, they are pretty open with speech. Men reveal to other men the most outlandish ideas and statements. What does that say about gay couples. Hmm, interesting topic. I’m not sure what it means. I assume that same sex couples run into similar problems. Not listening is not a male disease. It develops from a male perspective and socialization. I assume there are a lot of women that do not listen and a lot of men that do.

Again, society reinforces a women’s ability to help others through emotional problems. Environment is the key to a person’s ability to listen. If you hang out with the boys all day, your ability to listen may be greatly hindered. Yes, I am buying into stereotypes. You have to understand, it makes things much easier for me as a man to do so. Try empathizing with men and then tell me what you think. I’m not alone here, trust me.

“It just seems that men and women will never get anything right when it comes to their relationships, not even the listening part. You see, not being able to communicate is one of the reasons why so many relationships and marriages end in failure. Not being able to listen is the other major reason why people get on each other’s nerves…”

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Just ranting…

Ok my fellow readers, it’s time to just talk directly to you.  I’ve been posting some articles and statements that uphold some of my arguments, but now it’s time to give it to you straight.  I’ve been in a traumatic breakup.  My breakup was traumatic enough to change my way of thinking.  I was a dreamer, a person who lived half his life in the clouds.  I thought it was a good thing.  In fact, for the most part it was.  Unfortunately, my dreaming led to a great deal of denial.  That denial led to a prison of lies and unhappiness. When the relationship ended I finally saw my ex for who she really was.  That was cute, but not what made me change.

The real story is that I remembered who I was.  I finally looked in the mirror and recognized myself.  That is what changed my way of thinking.  I finally realized that I needed to be myself 24/7, not somebody who I thought was a good person.  I should have been me, bad habits, craziness and all.  That way my ex would have known, early on, that I was soo not her type.  In addition, I would have known that she did not like dreamers or anyone with dreams for that matter.  I vowed to never forget who I was and to always be true to my feelings.  This relationship caused me to be someone else.  Both of us at the time were working way to hard at being the people we thought we should be rather than the people we were destined to be.  Break ups offer us that opportunity, the opportunity to remember, to be free, to grow in the direction of destiny.  Get off your assess and delve into the real you, now that you are free.  Freedom is amazing if you use it right.  Ending a relationship is emotionally hard, but great for self discovery!

Yes, you may believe that your relationship is perfect and that your loved one is always honest.  Unfortunately, that is a rare situation.  You have to make sure that you are being honest first.  Then you can demand that from your partner. The difficult part is displaying these “not so attractive” attributes to our partners openly.  You may ask, “will they stop loving me”, “will they be disgusted by the real me” and “could they leave me”.  The answer to all those questions is yes.  They may do all those things.  What you may not realize is that they will do those things to you in the long run anyway.  You cannot hide who you really are forever.  Eventually the truth will come out and both of you will be faced with a perfect stranger. 

It’s a better situation if they left you now.  Or better yet, if you left them now.  Suppose there is another who will accept you for who you really are.  Why prolong it for years when you have more to lose.  Why not show them the real you now and get it over with.  Here are the advantages to being honest with who you are:

1) Your partner will be faced with having to show you who they really are.  Then you can assess whether or not both of you are compatible with each other.
2) You will have the advantage of giving your partner the opportunity to tell you the truth about your ugly side. Being open with what you believe is your ugly side is easy, just let go, be honest.
3) If your partner falls in love with your ugly side, imagine what they will think of your beautiful side.  If you start here, things will only get better.
4)Knowing in advance whether or not you will be happy with this person can save you years of anguish.
5) Knowing your partner intimately is better than sex.  It’s better than anything you can imagine.  It transcends friendship right into the realm of family.
6) Honesty takes a lot less energy than pretending you’re perfect.  Trust me, in the long run, nobody has enough mental stamina to pull off a lie forever.

Look, all I’m trying to say is that ultimately staying together requires honesty and integrity.  Without that, you’re lost no matter what you do.  If someone broke up with you, then they never really knew you.  The same holds true if you want to breakup with somebody.  9 times out of 10, people breakup because they discovered incompatibilities and searched for greener pastures.  Why dwell on it?  Get over it, learn and move on.  Find someone that is willing to put up with all the dark secrets that make you - “you”…