The FB Diaries: A Guide for F@#%ers, Part 1

BreakUpService.com is happy and proud to introduce a new series of articles from one of our readers. We’ll let it speak for itself, but first some background:

Dear BreakUpService.com,

I am a huge fan of your site! Not long ago, when I was going through an extremely difficult breakup, a friend of mine recommended I check you guys out. I said I didn’t need a service to break up for me (as you were previously known for). What I really needed was a community, a place where I could find out more about this process that we all go through. Your articles, insight - and sensitivity - all resonated with me, and so I’m a fan. BUT…I felt that something was lacking in the female perspective, and I felt that some of what I’ve gone through recently might be of interest to your readership, both male AND female. I propose a series of articles, a column if you will, called The F@#% Buddy Diaries…

Needless to say, we bit, and here is the first installment of:

The FB Diaries: A Guide for F@#%ers

By Anonymous

Part One: The Early Stages

…In which we explore knowing what you need, knowing what you want, and more.
Knowing What You Need

When my FB experiences began in earnest, I was at a crossroads. At the time, however, I felt like I was at a dead end. I simply wasn’t interested in the people around me and I was particularly bored with myself. I wanted to make a change but had no energy or interest in thinking about myself long enough to know what to do. I had had a handful of relationships - good relationships - that had ended for all the right reasons. I had a job that needed to end for all the right reasons. And I was living in a place that I needed to not live anymore for all the right reasons. I was down - perpetually irritated with who I was, where I was and why I needed a change - for all the right reasons.

How could I shake this and move on already? I’d tried drinking, smoking pot, taking long walks on the beach. I’d tried reaching out to old friends, hooking up with old boyfriends and going to the gym. This got me drunk, stoned, sad and a large phone bill. It all made me loathe myself more, encouraged further self-deprecation and worse, opened the flood gates on baggage with old boyfriends whose chapters had closed for very good reasons. “What’s a girl gotta do to get laid around here?”

Then…it…clicked. I would f@#% myself out of this funk.

I went to the gym to kick the crap out of a bag and think over my unhealthy decision (to go bang a stranger); that immediately made me feel better…healthier. I focused all of my attention on meeting this one basic need. I would find myself a f@#% buddy.

Initially I thought that this act alone (f@#%ing) would help clear my head. What I found, however, was the delicate balancing act, equal parts f@#%ing and buddy - that really helped pull me out of the gutter. I decided to keep a journal of my findings to help lead others to the light! And that’s when it began:

F@#% Buddy: The Art of 2:00AM.

Knowing What You Want

The right f@#% buddy for you is someone who only meets the bare-bones physical and social criteria -the opposite of everything (you remember) having slept with. Personality is key here. As a general rule, it should be someone who in any other circumstances with whom you would have nothing to talk about or their every word would drive you crazy. I would steer clear of people who you think are stupid. If you find yourself having an argument with someone you think has potential as an FB - you’ve just blown your chances. Here’s a simple how-to checklist to guide your selection process.

As a general rule, make a short mental list of physical traits that make you gag. This is probably something you’ve never done before so practice by writing down an idea followed by “makes me gag.” If you don’t shiver when you think it - find something else. Here’s an example of my list:

1. Men who shave their pubic hair make me gag. I just imagine them looking at their wieners for a whole hour, clipping and buzzing and trimming and shaving - and it makes me gag. Men who do this have a look about them - even with their clothes on - make me gag. I slept with one of these wieners by accident and I literally gagged when I saw it.
2. Men who are super muscular make me gag. They’re always trying to pump their muscles up so they walk weird - like they have something up their butt. And they almost always have small wieners. Gag. Oh and they shave their chests. See number 1.
3. Men with long hair pulled back into pony tails with a bald receding hairline make me gag. Just cut your hair off! Again, I imagine long periods of grooming time - a visual of a man “brushing his long hair” makes me gag.

See - so there’s lots of men who don’t fall into my gag category. If you have more than 3 things that make you gag - you might be too angry for a f@#% buddy. Revisit this concept in three months. When you’re sober.

Next, make a list of social characteristics that absolutely drive you mad. Here’s an example of my list:

1. People who TELL you they are: “good listeners” or “deep.” These people drive me mad - they’re never good listeners, and never, ever, ever deep. These are generally really stupid people who drive me mad.
2. The “jokester” with the “knock-knocks.” These are not funny. If you tell me a knock-knock joke, I will hate you. Forever.
3. The “artist.” Now there was a day that I was really into this, but man oh man am I done with the artist! I don’t even want to hear that you paint as a hobby. I wouldn’t have a one-night stand with the artist. This is how over the artist I am. I have been driven to madness.

Now my list and your list are going to be different. If you’re a fully shaved self-proclaimed artist who tells knock-knocks you may be just fine for someone. My point is that you have to be honest with yourself about the bare-bones. These are deal breakers. Generally speaking, to find a f@#% buddy you have to be far more flexible than in finding a partner, so knowing what you absolutely cannot deal with is the only thing that matters.

Now let’s talk briefly about that “perfect person.” The guiding criteria one must meet to truly capture your attention. This is a person you would date; a person you could bring home to meet the parents. Keep your list to ten. My “perfect person” would be:

1. Witty
2. Good looking but doesn’t act good looking
3. Articulate
4. Responsible
5. Grounded
6. Funny
7. Sharp/Quick
8. Employed
9. Educated
10. Thoughtful

Your f@#% buddy should not meet any of these criteria or at maximum, up to 2 criteria. They should not drive you mad. They should not make you gag.

Do you see how easy this is going to be!

Here is a description of my f@#% buddy:

He’s sarcastic. Kind of mean. Many would call him a dick. I’d call him a jerk. To walk past him is a chore. He’s not too talky, just has an attitude, an air. He’s not arrogant - but one definitely smells a tinge of insecurity; he’s self-righteous.

My FB was someone I had seen many, many times before but on that cold fall day, I recognized his potential. Are you ready for this?

It was the smart-ass towel-boy at the gym. The desk guy handling all those important phone calls. The do-as-little-as-possible-guy. He’s smart but a bit of rebel. He had a kind of cackle I was into - not too cool. He’s definitely hot, but I would never, ever let anyone know I thought so. And he’s not a meathead-douche-bag. He works at the gym but he doesn’t appear to work out at the gym. As you can see from my “gag” list, this was good for me. And I definitely got the vibe he had all of his hair but that he wasn’t a “hairy guy.” I am a social person. What made this guy so perfect was that most people really didn’t like him. I joined along - agreeing with what an ass he was in public. No one would ever suspect in a million years that I would be keeping a journal about him…

Most importantly he is NO ONE I WOULD EVER DATE! This impossibility is what makes the f@#% buddy possible. If it is not entirely inconceivable that you would ever “be” with this person, you have got to keep looking…

Stay tuned for the next installment of the The FB Diaries, in which our author deals with who should have a ff@#% buddy…and how to make a plan of action.

The Brain in Love

“The heart wants what it wants.” I can’t tell you how this phrase has helped me over the years. In trying to romance a woman, or in trying to break up with her, this simple statement has worked its way into conversation more times than I can recall. So, you can imagine how distressed I was to learn that it may be bullshit. I say “may” because I’m still very attached to my little phrase, but modern science suggests the more accurate line is “The brain does what it does.”Recently, in an effort to better understand the fairer sex, I picked up a copy of The Female Brain (Broadway Books, 2007) the national bestseller by Louann Brizendine, MD. The book’s premise is that hormones dictate much of human behavior and certainly have a huge influence on the key factors involved in coupling. “They help guide nurturing, social, sexual, and aggressive behaviors,” the author asserts, as well as a host of other behaviors that are at the heart of the beginning, middle - and the end - of every relationship. This includes flirtation, seduction, sex, orgasm, falling in love, cheating, and breaking up.” As an aside, of all the words in that quote, “orgasm” stands out most. Is that a guy thing?

Anyway, I know all about hormones, so I can handle the idea that they can dictate moods (I have all kinds of sisters and wives and daughters, and 16-year-old sons, remember). However, Brizendine contends that falling in love is itself a documented brain state. As a hopeless romantic, I was displeased to hear that. Could the one thing that we all idealize and aspire to - romantic love - and the process of forming love relationships really be nothing more than the product of hormones and brain chemistry? Is there no “fate” or “soul” or “heart” involved?

Does that make heartache as clinical as heartburn? Pass the Zantac and let’s call it a day?

Speaking of indigestion - and chest pain - if love is just a brain state. why does it hurt so damn bad?!?

Since we’re riding the science train today, I’ll offer this tidbit from the book: apparently, brain-imaging studies tell us that romantic rejection - read: heartbreak, getting dumped, dumping others, even - hurts as much as physical pain, because it triggers the same circuits in the brain. That actually helps, because the point of the heart wanting what it wants was to show that we’re helpless to fight it. Well, if you slip on a banana peel and fall on your ass, you’re helpless to fight the pain in your coccyx. So, if your heart, via your brain, of course, is aching, what can you do about it?

A better question is why? Why does the brain cause pain when we break up? Why does it trigger those circuits? (By the way, “what” and “how” are decent as questions go, but in life you may find that “why” beats them hands down…try replacing “what” and “how” with “why” and you’ll see what I mean)

If you’re one of those people who believe that there’s a bigger picture, you might argue that heartbreak hurts for the same reason our tailbone hurts when we fall: it’s a warning. The Female Brain (and while this is not a paid endorsement, it should be because this book is teaching me more about my brain than I expected to learn) reminds us that pain, that shocks to our system, serve the purpose of waking us up to danger and motivating us to change our behavior. If falling down hurts, we may try to avoid it in the future. If heartbreak is agony, maybe we will seek out healthier relationships and maybe, just maybe we’ll find one that is functional (like I said, I’m a hopeless romantic).

It’s great to discover that if our brain is the source of our emotions, at least it has our best interests at heart.

Before we know it, this article will be finished, so let’s talk about sex. Brizendine writes, “Being dumped actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.” She gets into some highly technical language at this point (she’s a doctor, I’m a writer), that from what I can tell boils down to the fact that the brain reacts to being dumped by craving a reunion with the source of the emotions. “This state elicits not trust and bonding, but painful, intense searching for the beloved,” Brizendine explains. In other words, you lose control of your mind and the body’s biological & neurological impulses take over…and it isn’t pretty - or healthy.

It’s exciting, though, and it’s something both male and female brains crave. Why? Because, simply put, it makes us more than we are. We expand ourselves by merging with another. It sounds great, this expansion - our likes and dislikes come together, we open our minds to ideas we never did before, we try new things (or think we do), we compromise (or think we do). It’s also part of our survival instincts, to find a mate as we do food…of course, food will never, ever call you an asshole.

When the breakup comes…well, all the symptoms are familiar to anyone who’s experienced a breakup, so I won’t bother to list them, but we know they range in extremity - and often make us feel like we’re bordering on insanity. The only thing we can think about is getting back together with our newly minted ex.

For obvious reasons, makeup sex is almost impossible to resist, yet it only complicates matters and, like going off the wagon, inevitably extends the period of weaning off the other person (note to self: write an article on Makeup Sex).

The bottom line is this: perhaps there’s something truly helpful about demystifying what happens in the brain when we’re in love. Sure, we all want to get swept up in the irrational passions of love and not think about the chemistry behind what’s happening to us. We want to “listen to our heart.” We want the mystery and the rush and the feeling of two souls connecting on a level that no other human being can possibly duplicate. And maybe there IS some truth to these notions, but when it comes to breaking up, maybe it’s worth trying to focus on the fact that the pain, hurt, heartache and irresistible urge to reunite with the ex (while forgetting/ignoring ALL of the reasons that led to the breakup in the first place) are really just a product of brain chemistry and there’s nothing at all mystical or magical about it.

Yes, the brain does what it does, which makes the heart want what it wants. And when you break up with someone, you can count on a chain reaction that is legitimately painful but completely explicable. If breaking up is the right thing, you just have to bite the bullet and prepare yourself for the pain of ‘weaning your brain’ off of that other person. Hopefully, this knowledge may minimize the midnight drive-by’s and the drunk dialing, which only prolong the escape and healing parts of the breakup process.

Is there a 12-step program for people going through breakups? Perhaps there should be (I need to explore this concept for the site…but first, I need to write the makeup sex article).

Are you a Giver or a Taker?

Are you a giver or a taker?

I hate that this sounds so cynical but in my experience with relationships there seems to be two types of people. There are givers and there are takers. That is not to say that you can’t be both, but the bottom line is we spend more time being one or the other. It’s what we do when we are not thinking about it that is the true test of whether we are a giver or a taker. I’m sure we would all like to think that we are givers, but if we genuinely reflect upon our behavior with others many of us would discover otherwise.

When we are under stress such as in a fight with a loved one, does’nt’t it seem that the same person continually makes the greater effort to make-up? First to apologize; quick to forgive their partner even if the “taker” made a half hearted attempt at making a mends; that’s the “giver.” The person that pleads ignorance and seems to pretend as if the fight never occurred, going about there day as if they were not aware that their significant other is hurt; that’s the taker. In the best of relationships the two parties involved share the roles of giver and taker evenly, they compromise.

However our relationships with others are complicated by how we feel about ourselves.
(For instance what did we grow up with in terms of parents, givers or takers?). Do we feel we have to take because we are convinced there aren’t any givers out there? Do we feel we deserve to take? Do we feel we have to give or others won’t care? The scenarios are endless and just thinking about them is exhausting. The reality of the situation is that it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past. What matters is what is happening right now. If your last relationship ended because the ratio of giving and taking was not to your liking, chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

Don’t be blind and continue to make the same mistakes with the same types of people. The reality that I wish to share with you that will transform your life is that the only truly happy and fulfilled people are the givers. How we treat others is directly linked to who we attract. We let into our lives people that treat us in similar ways. Giving begets giving. However you have to trust this to be true to let go and give it a shot. So the key is to be a giver. Practice giving of yourself to others. Giving to friends, family, even strangers will enrich your life beyond your current comprehension. It is the road to recovery that you need to focus now.  Giving seems counter intuitive, but it works.  It attracts those that give back as long as you recognize the difference between the two types.  Say yes to those that reciprocate and not to those that do not.

So how is it that we learn to be a giver? Is there a class, a book to read, or is
it just the personality of some people to be givers. The reality of the situation is that givers are created in essentially the same way that takers are. Givers start by giving to themselves. They treat themselves well. They understand and believe that they are worth the effort. If our site were to convey one message to you it would be to be good to yourself, as it is the basis for recovering from a break up. So start being a giver today and start with that person in the mirror.

Here is a cool little self help guide you might like.  It’s cheesy, but what the hell - it can’t hurt…

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Just broke up? Have a laugh…

We get so many emails asking us to help in the healing process. The best advice we can give you is to laugh. Laughing is the best way to recovery. It is the quintessential way to heal your broken heart. Find the things in life that make you happy. You need to move on, no matter how much you think you love the person you just left or that left you. In our assesment, you will eventually laugh at all the drama your break up has caused. In that we are sure. Please visit the “HEAL” category for more info on how to heal. If you need a laugh, then go to our “Laughing heals a broken heart” category. Whatever you need, we have it.

We have been in the Break Up business a long time and we know how hard it can be when ending a relationship. Please tell us what you think and don’t be shy. If you cannot find what you need, then we will be happy to provide it for you in the future. We accept suggestions, so the we can at the very least attempt to solve the problem. A broken heart is a serious thing, so be honest. Browse all our categories, you’ll be shocked at all the advice we’ve collected. Take at look at your life and find all the that is good about it. Forget the past for now, look forward and heal. Once you do, you can return for revenge or for love. In any case you need to feel better, so focus on that…

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Wanna end a relationship? Say, “NO”…

People, who are falling out of love, often ask us how to go about a relationship break up without all the drama.  Well, the answer is pretty simple, say no! In other words, be honest about your intentions in every day life, until your muster up enough courage to tell the truth about what you are feeling to a loved one that you need to get away from. People often have trouble breaking up because they cannot say no.  People often feel guilty about saying no, within a relationship, because they are afraid of confrontation.  People often say yes, because they believe that it will avoid conflict or an argument.  Unfortunately, none of this is true.  Conflict usually arises from a misunderstanding.  Misunderstandings can be avoided if the truth is known and that truth is usually based on the fact that someone said, “no”. 

Hear us out.  If you were to say, “NO” to and mean it every time your partner asked for something, then obviously the relationship would not have gone as far as it probably has.  If that is the case, then breaking up should be a breeze since your partner knows you are not all that into whatever he or she is in to, right? Saying no to a date, to a party or to a romantic get away, will surely lead to a break up that is based on the fact that you want out.  Most people get into trouble because they insist on trying to be the nice person, cuz they ultimately believe that saying no is rude. What is rude is saying yes, but meaning no.

The art of saying “no” relies heavily on knowing one’s true feelings. If in your heart you know that you are not going to marry or stay with someone forever, then start saying no.  It’s the truth isn’t it?  You may want to go to a party or trip with someone cuz there is no other alternative.  If this is the case then start saying no.  The truth is that you want to go to a romantic get away, but not with that person.  Sure, telling someone that they do not tickle your fancy is rude, but saying “no” to a date is not rude.  It’s honest and usually gets you out of a situation that can quickly become misleading.

If in doubt say no.  How many times have you heard that advice?  Thousands of times, yet you still want to say yes to someone that you don’t really love.  Why?  In the long run, you need to be truthful.  If you are confused, then say “no”, just to be safe.  If your lonely, then you must say no.  Nobody wants to be a second choice or a consolation prize.  We all want to be loved, but not tricked into thinking that we are loved.  Start saying no and setting yourself free.  Trust us, it gets easier with practice.  Let your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you mean “NO” despite the fact that you’re saying “YES”…

“20 Ways To Say No…”

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Love is a bitter pill…

They were some high times - literally and figuratively.  You met at a party, and free drinks always lead to something good, something dangerous, or sexy .  In this case, it was great.  You were loose enough to open up and quickly realized there was a powerful connection.  But here you are, months maybe years later, and this person you love is still partying but your not.  Before you groan, I promise you that this isn’t an article about addiction.

It’s about connection, and what to do when there isn’t one.  The point of the lead-in here is that as people change and evolve, so must relationships.  Maybe a few years ago, going overboard didn’t come with great consequences and now, it may.  Maybe when you met, you looked at life differently than you do now; you’ve changed but the relationship is the same.  It could be that the relationship changed and you are the same.  In any case, you must orient yourself to where the problem lies.

If you’re considering ending a relationship because you feel disconnected from the person you wake up next to. It may help to consider why.  It may be the path they’ve chosen in their career; maybe it’s their overall priorities, the place they want to live or that their friends are more important than anything else - ANYTHING else…  Only you know.  But I’ll tell you this: if you don’t feel connected, it’s not their habits, the fact that they don’t help around the house, or that they’re not romantic anymore. 

Maybe they’re not interested in sex.  All those things are symptoms.  And when we get hung up on symptoms, we fight.  And we lose.  All of us.  You, your significant other, and - if i happen to be your next door neighbor - me.  So forget about the symptoms.  Look at the illness, and - if you’re sure the disconnect is permanent, you know the only cure.  And the only thing you both need to drink is your medicine.

“We have had our share of troubles, even before marriage. We also both come from dysfunctional backgrounds, mine more so than his, I would say…”

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You Gotta Fight to Be Free

What’s wrong with being comfortable?  What’s wrong with feeling safe?  Nothing…as long as that feeling comes from a healthy relationship where the feelings are mutual.  Sometimes, the hardest relationship to break up from is not the stifling one…it’s the relationship that FEELS safe and secure simply because it’s comfortable.  If you’re struggling with a relationship but can’t figure out why, examine one word: FREEDOM. 

Are you free?  Not from obligation or commitment, but are you free to live the way you want. Are you free to follow your heart?  Are you free to quit the wrong job to pursue the right one?  Are you free to spend time with family, friends, those around you who make you feel good and balanced?  If the answer is a reluctant “No,” you might not be as safe as you thought.  Manipulation isn’t always the result of an evil person trying to control us; we can also lend ourselves to manipulation, or even hand control of our lives over to another person, forcing them, in fact, to make decisions for us.  In some cases, an unbalanced relationship of this kind can regain its equilibrium once the “weaker” party has staked a claim.  In other cases, it’s time to move on.  So take a look at that word.  Make sure it applies to you and your partner.  And if it doesn’t, stake a claim.  As soon as possible.

The toughest step, to paraphrase Al Gore, is facing an “inconvenient truth.” But in order to be free, you have to be willing to free yourself! Talk to your partner.  Talk about the decisions you intend to make for yourself.  If these decisions urge your partner to leave or cause them to feel they cannot continue this relationship, then a break up may be inevitable. YOU should not be in this relationship.  Be strong.  Set yourself free, because no one else will.  In fact, no one else CAN.

“Pink’s announced task is to determine what states of mind we need if we are to be free to act otherwise than as we actually do…”

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Big Break Up - Big City…

I never realized, until a friend from New York pointed it out, that Los Angeles (LA) was a lonely place.  I personally think LA is magical and full of opportunities to reinvent yourself. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. You see, LA is huge and there is no central place, no downtown and very little in the way of a centralized city.  Hours upon hours are spent driving to and from locations each day. LA is made up of many smaller cities which rarely, if ever, have a center.  That creates an environment in which the city’s population learns to fend for itself in terms of socializing.  LA is a car culture, where talking on cell phones, listening to music and fighting traffic over extremely long distances is standard practice. “What does that have to do with breaking up?”, you ask. 

Well, the fact that no one walks in LA is significant.  You can drive to a new town and engage in new hobbies.  You can change your environment as fast as you change into new clothes. In LA, breakup recovery requires two things.  One is a reliable car the other is music.  Luckily they both go hand in hand. LA is a music culture because we spend so much time in our cars.  We rely on music to soothe us, during intense driving. During a breakup this is particularly helpful, since music is a key component of healing. Music helps us escape the depression of lost love.  Most cars despite their condition have, at the very least, a radio.  Today we have more music choices than ever, you will find MP3 players, CD players and satellite radios in our cars, just to name a few. Does that make breakup recovery easier in LA? Not necessarily, since finding a new relationship is difficult in such a scattered environment.  Still, the car is a very intimate place to heal and healing is the key to new relationships.

In a big city you commonly have big breakups.  It is easy to hide and even disappear in such an environment.  The odds of running into an X-boy or girlfriend walking on the street are extremely low in LA.  In fact, in most cases you may live in completely different cities within LA county. That is actually a good thing because you will be given the opportunity to heal with out reminders of the person that hurt you or that you hurt.  In the big city, you can change your attitude by finding a new latitude.  This ability to change environments is a challenge. If met with success though, healing is a breeze. 

Culture also plays a role in breaking up in a big city.  changing your life is simplified because one has the choice of joining so many different communities here.  You can drive anywhere and set up your social camp.  The hard part of course is meeting new people.  Big cities are a complex series of networks.  Starting with a small network and working your way into bigger networks is the key.  In LA, this is standard social decorum.  Joining a network that is well established is difficult unless someone brings you in, so you need to meet that someone first.  Creating one is difficult because everything is so spread out, so you need to join an established network. These networks of people are not formal clubs of course, so you need to be outgoing on some level to meet its  members. Music can help you be more outgoing due to its inherent conversational quality.  Who doesn’t want to talk about music in the big city?

This is the defining aspect in a breakup.  Those that are most successful in a big city breakup are usually outgoing.  Does that mean you have to be a party animal to join a new or lost network of friends?  No, you don’t, but you cannot hide until the tears stop rolling down your face.  You need to be open to new ideas and people.  In a huge intimidating city, that becomes a challenge.  To overcome this challenge you need courage.  Courage can be fueled by the anger caused by the break up.  Yes, we are taught all of our lives to avoid anger and hide it.  That way of thinking is detrimental in a break up.  You must express your anger in healthy ways.

Music is both expressive and healthy. Find music that helps you cry and scream. This music will begin the healing process.  After that, begin your new life, using the anger as the fuel for courage.  Anger will motivate you to meet new people.  Do not give into depression. Give into music, driving, friends and family.  The big city can be conquered, but you need the essential tools.  Surviving a break up in LA requires a car and great music.  Surely you recognize the simplicity in that…

“Almost everyone we know has been through heartbreak. The first step towards healing is to acknowledge the fact that it happens. Accept it and move on. Here are some suggestions you might find helpful…”

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Prepare for dissapointment, but strive for success…

Our motto is, “success is the best revenge”.  We say that because we are confident that using the energy that one feels during a break up for your benefit of health rather than for self pity will lead to success.  When we as a species are disappointed we are given two choices, fight or flight.  Why should you run away (flight), when you can face your fears and learn to fight?  Fighting depression and low self esteem is a worthy cause.
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This attitude will hep you cope with disappointment to the extent that you will be able to achieve great success and inner strength. Striving to better yourself during bouts of sadness will help you heal. When one is hit with emotional trauma, a certain focus arises from within that can be used for the benefit of one’s self.  Sure, many use this focus to concentrate deeply on their loss.  The question is why?  If you have a chance to use your focus for success, then why not use it?  Breakups  are an opportunity to have a relationship with yourself.  Think about it.

Crying over spilled milk is fine for the first few days, or even weeks, of a break up.  The problem is that you will never feel better unless you try to get up, shake off the dirt and get back on the horse.  When we say horse we do not mean dating.  We are talking about exercise, eating right and getting a life.  Sure, you are no longer a couple, boo hoo.  The point is NOT to become a couple again.  If you take care of yourself, relationships will come to you.

Your focus should be on becoming a stronger and more healthy individual.  When you pursue success, dating and relationships are a breeze.  Remember, prepare for disappointment, but strive for success.  Preparing for dissapointment involves setting realistic goals.  Smalls goals at first and larger ones as time progresses. In the end you will be successful, just because you tried.  Trying helps you heal.  Trying teaches you the true meaning of the relationship that has just ended.

“I’m not saying that disappointment isn’t valid, but rather, by examining the root of why something or someone disappoints us, we can discover a lot about ourselves and find peace of mind.”

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So many ways to break up, so little time…

At the risk of being frivolous, we are posting this light hearted article.  We realize that breakups are difficult and emoitionally draining.  That is why we strongly believe in comedy as a therapudic way to relieve anxiety and stress.  Focus on laughter and comedy when you are stressed and tell us what you think.  If it works we will continue to post light hearted articles every now and then.

Breakups occur for many reasons, but what they all have in common is that one they will make you laugh.  It’s hard to picture at the moment, but it’s true. We hear hundreds of stories of people that broke up, then learned to laugh about the crazy situations that led up to that break up.  It is human nature to laugh about something that made you cry.  When in a relationship it is difficult to imagine life without one or within a new one.  Trust us, this is not the case after a break up.  When you learn to be alone and to appreciate moments in which you can redifine yourself, things change.  Laughing about a traumatic event that led to a great situation is natural.  Try to envision yourself at the point when the break up becomes funny.  You may not laugh, but you will feel better.

Remember, there are many ways in which a breakup can take place.  We are of the belief that one must initiate a break up as soon as one is committed to doing so.  Delaying this process is hurtful to all parties involved.  Honesty, regardless of the circumstances, will set you free.  Yes there are several ways to soften the blow.  We encourage that!  Nevertheless, holding back any part of the truth may create ambiguity which is the last thing any one wants in this situation. 

Alternatively, there are situations in which breaking up is not such a big deal.  There are plenty of articles on this site that talk about the serious nature of break ups, but few that deal with odd situations.  Below are some fun audio files from our archive…

Compassionate Break Up

Funny break up story 1

Funny break up story 2

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