Top Ten Reasons to Break Up

Although this may be counter-intuitive to our readers, BreakUpService.com is not about promoting the termination of relationships. BUS, at its core, is about looking at the end of a relationship for what it truly is, an opportunity: an opportunity to use the pain and trauma of the break-up to motivate yourself to create positive change and ultimately a relationship with yourself that enables a more successful connection and relationship in the future others.

With that in mind, we felt compelled to create a definitive list of reasons to break up. These are warning signs that cannot be overlooked, reasons that need to be acknowledged because ignoring them may not only be detrimental to you, but may keep you from having a healthy long-term relationship in the future. The following is a list from 10 to 1 of legit reasons to call it off (the order can be debated off course). Some are likely obvious to the reader, but that does not always translate to obvious while in the throws of the relationship.

Please read and honestly reflect on whether some of these reasons apply to you:

10. The negative interactions outweigh the positive by at least 3 to 1.

In the day to day interactions with your significant other, there is a mental ledger that is kept over time. If made aware of this tally, the ledger that is produced informs what you can expect from an interaction and this in turn will begin to influence your overall outlook of each other. The truth is a healthy relationship is a source of peace and an emotional trigger that can initiate the rest and relaxation response. On the other hand an unhealthy relationship is the opposite; since the negative to positive interaction ratio is so out of whack, the sight of your partner begins to trigger anxiety and tension, and eventually it could be an emotional trigger that initiates the fight or flight response. As volumes of research indicate, chronic anxiety and an excess of stress hormones over time will not only ruin a relationship, it can also ruin a perfectly healthy body. If all your heartfelt attempts have not changed the interaction ratio for the better, it may be time to get out.

9. Your life together is not a reflection of you both.

Even before you take the step of creating a formal union, a healthy relationship involves a merging of two lives. If you are dating someone seriously, both of you need to exhibit at least the capacity to merge. Let’s say you live together, or are considering it. Look around. Whose home is this? Are you both represented here? Is there “room” for both people, for their personalities and sensibilities? If not, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Everyone needs space, and personal space is critically important. So is shared space. If someone is so set in their ways that they cannot embrace change in his/her home, they are also unlikely to embrace evolution in the relationship. It may be time to move out/move on.

8. Your visions for the future remain at an impasse.

Conflict within a couple is not always a problem; strong personalities that demand to be recognized while respecting the opinions of others can always come to a compromise. Visions for the future require a combination of shared goals and the willingness to compromise. If these two qualities are lacking, the relationship is bound for rough waters. One person wants children, while the other does not. One person is dead set on living in Australia, while the other cannot imagine leaving Cincinnati. There are certain life goals that are intrinsic to a person’s happiness. These goals must be shared, or at least be complementary, for a relationship to survive.

7. You are a shell of the man/woman you once were.

Can you remember what you were like when you were at your best? A time when your thoughts were filled with hopes of a life doing what you love, sharing it with someone that you respected and generated a feeling of worth? Does your outlook on life seem so grim that you must spend your days only doing what feels wrong and forcing yourself to follow another’s orders instead of your own dreams? I know you have seen these people in a relationship. They seem beaten down (likely depressed), and appear as though they have resigned themselves to a life of servitude. If this is the case, it is time to reassess you life, your worth, and possibly your participation in this draining relationship.

6. They have consistently proven to be untrustworthy

This requires no explanation, but like most of the items on this list, it does require a great deal of courage to be honest with yourself about whether or not your partner can be trusted. Deep down, you know, but to hear the truth you need to be still enough in your self-talk to listen and feel the consistency between what your partner says and how they behave. If they say they love you but consistently disappoint your reasonable requirement for reciprocity, it may be time to take a hard look at this issue.

5. You have consistently proven to be untrustworthy.

As the previous item indicates, this is about being genuine. Sometimes in the relationship you are the one taking advantage of your partner by being more of a taker and less of a giver (see link to this article). Blatant untrustworthiness, such as infidelity, is likely a no-brainer, but the subtle dishonesty of never compromising and always taking more than your share with regards to love and devotion can be an even more devastating blow to a relationship over the long term.

4. Addiction and its consequences are becoming too dangerous to stay in the relationship.

This situation is one that cannot be glossed over. Addiction can destroy anything in its path, including the lives of those in a relationship touched by this insidious disease. Honesty is critical in such a situation, as it is necessary to know when enough is enough, and that getting out of this toxic relationship is the best thing for everyone.

3. Your personal growth is being impeded by the relationship.

It may be cliché but it doesn’t make it any less a reality. In order for you to have a “healthy” and meaningful connection with someone, one must have the capacity for personal growth. In an unhealthy relationship, your attempt at personal growth and development may threaten your partner. If this is the case, you may find yourself trying to understand why you feel so bad about yourself just after spending time together, most likely talking about everything else but your hopes and dreams (which is what you should both be talking about by the way). If this is reminiscent of your situation, you may want to start thinking about a way out.

2. Your ability to forgive is completely gone.

Forgiveness and compassion are the keys to every intimate relationship. Our lives are filled with opportunities to forgive others (especially our partners in a relationship), from the smallest of offenses, to the most hurtful transgressions. The truth is forgiveness is more for you than for the person that did you wrong. Forgiving your partner allows you to open up and let someone close, without it most people spend there time just looking for reasons to be more upset and angry. If you are capable of forgiveness when your partner does something that is annoying or even hurtful, there is kindness, compassion, and benevolence in your relationship. If you are not capable of forgiveness, your days will be filled with thoughts that your partner does what she/he does with the specific intention of making your life a living hell. This is no way to live, and it could be time to call it quits.

1. There is abuse, either by you or by your partner.

There isn’t much to be said here. If you are being abused, or if you find yourself losing control and being abusive, it is critical for all parties involved (especially if there are children in the equation), to get help. This often requires a separation or a complete termination of the relationship.