Men of a Certain Age Know About Breakups and Brotherhood
January 24, 2010
I looked in the mirror this morning and what I saw inspired me to seek comfort, somewhere, anywhere. I found that comfort in the new TNT series “Men of a Certain Age”. The show marks Ray Romano’s return to TV - but who cares about that, honestly? A guy with 500 mil going back to work ain’t that exciting. What’s important about this show is that it looks at breakups from the perspective of guys who are at an age where life is a series of reflections. It’s not just “Am I with the right woman?” anymore. It’s “Am I in the right place in my LIFE? Did I date the right women before I was with this woman? Am I ever gonna date any other women? Do women I’m never gonna date even WANNA date me?” and perhaps most painfully, “Why does THAT guy still get to date women??”
What really surprised me about this show is that TNT finally seems to have gotten it right. They’ve been trying to meld humor and pathos into a mix they call drama, saying “we know drama” and hoping people will believe it. They failed with “Trust Me,” a glorified sitcom set in the present day but imagining a world in which the ad biz is still the same as it was in the 80s or 90s (see the article on FunkyBeast for a sense of what the ad business is really like) …and most unfortunately, a show that wouldn’t know drama if it cried all over its own spilled milk.
“Men” is something completely different. The shooting style is rough and subdued. And the drama rings true. These are people whose lives are at stake. And a breakup at 45 is not without consequences. More often than not, there are children to be considered. Even for guys without kids, ending a relationship in mid-life is heavy stuff. And, as one of the main characters discovers, mistakes made this far into the game are even harder to rectify, bad habits harder to break.
The show isn’t a downer, btw. The silver lining to all the other shifts in life is the consistency of brotherhood. Young guys have “bromance” – you break up with a chick and you can go golfing with your bros to take your mind off of it, but by the 9th hole you’re gaining some perspective, and it’s unlikely that the walls are really closing in all that fast (it may seem like it, of course, but trust me…). Older guys have “brotherhood” – it’s what comes after bromance, after all the other “bro’s” and “ho’s” have gone, when the party is just beginning…it’s just a different kind of party, that may be a little less fun but may come with more legitimate reason to celebrate.
“Men of a Certain Age” captures all of this and its core cast is made up of guys who – with the exception of Romano – have been successful but at middle age have themselves not quite hit the big time. Scott Bakula’s a known name, a star with longevity and likeability, but he’s not George Clooney. Andre Braugher is a respected working actor, who’s actually won a couple of Emmys but is not a household name. Not that these guys shouldn’t be happy with their position in life – they should – but even Ray seems like a guy who’s evaluating his choices on a daily basis. One gets the impression that, like the characters they play in this series, these are actors who know that money isn’t everything, and that the real challenges in life are not material – they’re existential. And that makes “Men of a Certain Age” interesting, and certainly worth watching.
BreakUp Inspired Mohawk Matt to Launch BOLT BARBERS
January 23, 2010
We’re constantly reminding our readers that breakups can open the door to destiny. Breaking up can be traumatic, of course, but quite often both parties are sparing themselves transitory pain at the price of longterm happiness.
One man who opened that door has not only realized his personal dreams, he’s gone on to serve as an inspiration to others. “Mohawk” Matt Berman, Founder & Chief Barber of BOLT in downtown LA, is the veteran of dual breakups – with his wife and career. He was kind enough to sit down with BreakUpService Editor-in-Chief Hesh Rephun and share the story behind BOLT BARBERS and how that the changes he made in his life inspire others on a daily basis.
BreakUpService: We showed up at your doorstep because we suspected that a dude who gives radical haircuts might have some insight into relationships and the rocky road they can take. We were blown away to discover that a breakup was actually the impetus for starting BOLT BARBERS. Can you tell us more about that?
Mohawk Matt: I was in a very unhealthy marriage….and it was unhealthy for both parties, not just for me. The more I tried to please, the more she tried to change me. Founding a barbershop and cutting hair had long been on my “bucket list,” along with getting tattooed and mohawked. But as a “corporate citizen” working for companies like Danone, Novartis, P&G, & Benckiser, I knew better than to reveal my true self for the sake of my career. The breakup of the marriage actually triggered a complete self assessment of my life top to bottom, and I realized I needed to re invent myself and start listening to my stomach instead of to my head.
After two long years of legal separation, I decided it was time to pursue what I think I am on the planet to do: give guys a place where they can go hang, chill, be themselves – and, oh, by the way, get hooked up with awesome tapers, fades, mohawks, or any other cut imaginable, plus shaves or shines. So they leave not only looking better…but feeling better too.
BUS: Prior to opening BOLT, you were a global marketing exec. Sometimes, breakups with a previous career can be as significant as one of a romantic nature – how was the transition for you?
MM: People do things for the wrong reasons. In my marriage, we stayed together far long after the romance boiled away, because we thought it would be better for our three wonderful boys. We were wrong. Children would rather have two happy parents than two parents who are together. Period.
Similarly, in my career, I was chasing an elusive “place” in the corporate world where I could fit in. Frankly, it took me 25 years to realize I don’t fit into the corporate world…and I should do my own thing and pursue happiness instead of power. And like the full back piece tattoo (43 hours of ink) that graces my back, I have no regrets. I look forward to the next 45 years of my life as a “happy barber.”
BUS: Getting a haircut obviously has its practical benefits – but do you think there’s a therapeutic benefit to the process?
MM: No doubt about it. A haircut is a relaxing experience…provided you are in an environment you can feel comfortable in. I did quite a bit of research on barbershops and salons in So Cal. Bottom line, guys just don’t feel comfortable in salons – way too much drama and attitude for most dudes. And while the old school barbershop is alive and well in Black & Latino “hoods across America”, just try finding one elsewhere.
Probably the most beneficial aspect of visiting a community barbershop is the feeling of community you get. A place to connect with other guys, and most importantly to be yourself, and not play the roles that “define” who you are in your home and/or work environments. Guys crave this.
BUS: That’s awesome, it’s one of the things we’ve discovered and try to share via BreakUpService – that men and women each have their own sense of community. Speaking of men and women, we can remember a time when men had barber shops and women had salons. Bolt is clearly a barber shop – does that mean no women are allowed?
MM: We are NOT a mens sanctuary. We greatly value diversity, cater to all ethnicities, and are even pet friendly. And, of course, women are welcome. Bolt wouldn’t be the same without both men and women hanging out here. But cutting womens hair is a different story. We are NOT cosmetologists. There are tons of cosmetologists who train long and hard to cut womens hair. We’re barbers. We were taught how to cut mens hair…and how to shave men with a straight edge razor. So that’s what we do, what we are good at. But we can recommend some awesome nearby beauty salons that really do a bang up job cutting women’s hair.
BUS: As the Chief Barber of BOLT, what are your favorite cuts, and what’s the strangest request you’ve ever received?
MM: Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Answer to that question. I love giving mohawks to guys. Especially first-timers. It’s a transformative cut…and every dude should rock one at least once in his life.
Regarding strange requests, you’ve got to understand that Bolt does not judge our dudes’ requests, nor are we a conservative shop. We actually encourage unusual cuts and love pushing the envelope. But to answer your question, the strangest request we’ve gotten is the business executive from Bunker Hill who called before coming just to make sure that he could get his conservative businessman’s haircut at Bolt and not leave with a mohawk. We hooked him up…but I made him realize that he really wants a mohawk and will probably get one sometime in his life – probably once he is free from the “ball and chain.”
About BOLT BARBERS:
In 2008, BOLT BARBERS(TM) Founder and Entrepreneur, “Mohawk” Matt Berman, traded a corporate marketing job & his PC and Blackberry for a pair of clippers, a straight edge razor, and a pair of shears. BOLT opened its first location at 460 South Spring Street in Downtown LA. www.boltbarbers.com.
BOLT is the largest and most authentic barbershop in DTLA in the last 50 years. Locations are planned for London, NYC, and other LA spots. A full line of BOLT-exclusive men’s grooming products will debut in early 2010.
Top Ten Reasons to Break Up
January 22, 2010
Although this may be counter-intuitive to our readers, BreakUpService.com is not about promoting the termination of relationships. BUS, at its core, is about looking at the end of a relationship for what it truly is, an opportunity: an opportunity to use the pain and trauma of the break-up to motivate yourself to create positive change and ultimately a relationship with yourself that enables a more successful connection and relationship in the future others.
With that in mind, we felt compelled to create a definitive list of reasons to break up. These are warning signs that cannot be overlooked, reasons that need to be acknowledged because ignoring them may not only be detrimental to you, but may keep you from having a healthy long-term relationship in the future. The following is a list from 10 to 1 of legit reasons to call it off (the order can be debated off course). Some are likely obvious to the reader, but that does not always translate to obvious while in the throws of the relationship.
Please read and honestly reflect on whether some of these reasons apply to you:
10. The negative interactions outweigh the positive by at least 3 to 1.
In the day to day interactions with your significant other, there is a mental ledger that is kept over time. If made aware of this tally, the ledger that is produced informs what you can expect from an interaction and this in turn will begin to influence your overall outlook of each other. The truth is a healthy relationship is a source of peace and an emotional trigger that can initiate the rest and relaxation response. On the other hand an unhealthy relationship is the opposite; since the negative to positive interaction ratio is so out of whack, the sight of your partner begins to trigger anxiety and tension, and eventually it could be an emotional trigger that initiates the fight or flight response. As volumes of research indicate, chronic anxiety and an excess of stress hormones over time will not only ruin a relationship, it can also ruin a perfectly healthy body. If all your heartfelt attempts have not changed the interaction ratio for the better, it may be time to get out.
9. Your life together is not a reflection of you both.
Even before you take the step of creating a formal union, a healthy relationship involves a merging of two lives. If you are dating someone seriously, both of you need to exhibit at least the capacity to merge. Let’s say you live together, or are considering it. Look around. Whose home is this? Are you both represented here? Is there “room” for both people, for their personalities and sensibilities? If not, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Everyone needs space, and personal space is critically important. So is shared space. If someone is so set in their ways that they cannot embrace change in his/her home, they are also unlikely to embrace evolution in the relationship. It may be time to move out/move on.
8. Your visions for the future remain at an impasse.
Conflict within a couple is not always a problem; strong personalities that demand to be recognized while respecting the opinions of others can always come to a compromise. Visions for the future require a combination of shared goals and the willingness to compromise. If these two qualities are lacking, the relationship is bound for rough waters. One person wants children, while the other does not. One person is dead set on living in Australia, while the other cannot imagine leaving Cincinnati. There are certain life goals that are intrinsic to a person’s happiness. These goals must be shared, or at least be complementary, for a relationship to survive.
7. You are a shell of the man/woman you once were.
Can you remember what you were like when you were at your best? A time when your thoughts were filled with hopes of a life doing what you love, sharing it with someone that you respected and generated a feeling of worth? Does your outlook on life seem so grim that you must spend your days only doing what feels wrong and forcing yourself to follow another’s orders instead of your own dreams? I know you have seen these people in a relationship. They seem beaten down (likely depressed), and appear as though they have resigned themselves to a life of servitude. If this is the case, it is time to reassess you life, your worth, and possibly your participation in this draining relationship.
6. They have consistently proven to be untrustworthy
This requires no explanation, but like most of the items on this list, it does require a great deal of courage to be honest with yourself about whether or not your partner can be trusted. Deep down, you know, but to hear the truth you need to be still enough in your self-talk to listen and feel the consistency between what your partner says and how they behave. If they say they love you but consistently disappoint your reasonable requirement for reciprocity, it may be time to take a hard look at this issue.
5. You have consistently proven to be untrustworthy.
As the previous item indicates, this is about being genuine. Sometimes in the relationship you are the one taking advantage of your partner by being more of a taker and less of a giver (see link to this article). Blatant untrustworthiness, such as infidelity, is likely a no-brainer, but the subtle dishonesty of never compromising and always taking more than your share with regards to love and devotion can be an even more devastating blow to a relationship over the long term.
4. Addiction and its consequences are becoming too dangerous to stay in the relationship.
This situation is one that cannot be glossed over. Addiction can destroy anything in its path, including the lives of those in a relationship touched by this insidious disease. Honesty is critical in such a situation, as it is necessary to know when enough is enough, and that getting out of this toxic relationship is the best thing for everyone.
3. Your personal growth is being impeded by the relationship.
It may be cliché but it doesn’t make it any less a reality. In order for you to have a “healthy” and meaningful connection with someone, one must have the capacity for personal growth. In an unhealthy relationship, your attempt at personal growth and development may threaten your partner. If this is the case, you may find yourself trying to understand why you feel so bad about yourself just after spending time together, most likely talking about everything else but your hopes and dreams (which is what you should both be talking about by the way). If this is reminiscent of your situation, you may want to start thinking about a way out.
2. Your ability to forgive is completely gone.
Forgiveness and compassion are the keys to every intimate relationship. Our lives are filled with opportunities to forgive others (especially our partners in a relationship), from the smallest of offenses, to the most hurtful transgressions. The truth is forgiveness is more for you than for the person that did you wrong. Forgiving your partner allows you to open up and let someone close, without it most people spend there time just looking for reasons to be more upset and angry. If you are capable of forgiveness when your partner does something that is annoying or even hurtful, there is kindness, compassion, and benevolence in your relationship. If you are not capable of forgiveness, your days will be filled with thoughts that your partner does what she/he does with the specific intention of making your life a living hell. This is no way to live, and it could be time to call it quits.
1. There is abuse, either by you or by your partner.
There isn’t much to be said here. If you are being abused, or if you find yourself losing control and being abusive, it is critical for all parties involved (especially if there are children in the equation), to get help. This often requires a separation or a complete termination of the relationship.
