“Before or after the wedding?” That is the question…or is it?

From Our Reader:

I’ve been dating a guy off-and-on for more than three years (mostly on); it’s been a long-distance relationship for nearly that long, and has been pretty serious (talking about marriage, etc.)

I’m in a new job, and have been waiting for him to graduate from college (he’s 30, I’m 26), after which he was supposed to move here to join me. I just found out that it’s going to take him 6-months longer to graduate than I thought it would…(this isn’t the first time it’s been drawn out), and additionally I’m beginning to realize I don’t really want this anymore.

I want to break up with him, but am not sure how. I still care about him – and really love him, even – just not enough to continue the relationship with no light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s even more complicated because I’m supposed to fly out to be his date for a wedding (his family) next month; I’ve already bought my tickets.

So here’s my question: If I’m sure I want to break up, how do I do it in the most honest and compassionate way? Do I break up before I go and not go to the wedding, or do I wait until I see him in person, and break up after the wedding? (I feel like I’d kind of have to do it after the wedding to avoid the potential bad feelings that could mess it up.)

Please advise!

BUS Responds:

Although I am somewhat confused about your dilemma, I feel compelled to comment on your situation before I weigh in on your specific questions.

You write that “I still care about him – and really love him, even – just not enough to continue the relationship with no light at the end of the tunnel.” To what light are you referring? Is there a place that you believe exists with the “right person” at which you are ready for commitment, where all your ducks are in a row so it’s time to take the plunge? I hate to break this to you but such a place does not exist, no matter how ambitious or well-prepared one thinks they are.

I mean, it sounds as if this guy would be perfect for you, were he to graduate 6 months earlier. I get that this is not the first time your relationship has been stalled on his account, but doesn’t that mean you don’t want to continue with the relationship because of his character (now that’s a good reason), and not because he is graduating in December instead of June. Honesty is best here, not just with him, but especially with you. You love him, but can’t see yourself with him for the rest of your life because he is not the “man” that you want to commit to…right? He does not demonstrate his commitment to you by how he lives his life, he is not ready for the type of life you are ready for right now, on your schedule, not his (since he doesn’t really seem to have a schedule).

This explanation sounds more accurate to me; but wait…there is a rub here. Does he know that such a schedule exists? Does he even realize he is being judged by you in this manner? You wrote that you have talked about marriage, but does that mean you have clearly stated to him how you picture that future, or was it a vague discussion about how you cared for each other enough to spend forever together? I am all for you breaking it off with him because he is not the man you want as your future husband and the father of your children. However, unless you have been honest with him about your life plan, and the schedule that seems to be attached to it, I don’t think it is fair to dismiss this relationship after two years the way that you plan to do it.

So, essentially, my question to is this: why do you really want to end the relationship? This is important, because the answer – if it is rooted in true reflection and honest soul-searching – will not only help with the growth or termination of this relationship, but will up the odds that the next relationship will be different (in other words, its not about him, its about you). The added bonus is that honesty also helps him. Don’t get me wrong, he will be hurt, maybe even devastated; but if you conduct a loving and honest discussion about why you have to break up, you are truly demonstrating your love and compassion for him as well. He will feel better about things and he will be able to learn a positive lesson from this experience.

Ok. Now to your question. Do you breakup before or after the wedding? The answer depends upon who is getting married. Do you have a relationship with the bride and groom, or are they just the people getting married at the wedding your boyfriend asked you to go to? If it is the former, then you suck it up, think about someone other than you and your soon to be ex-boyfriend, and go to the wedding without bringing drama. If it is the latter, you find a time to breakup, in-person (I mean, come on; you had a two year relationship with the guy) as soon as you can. If you’re doing this in a mature and honest context, it doesn’t really matter , whether it’s before or after the wedding. Does it?