Super Good BreakUp: India-style

From Our Reader:

Hi Guys,

I dont really know why I am doing this, but I know this is damn serious about this message that you will find otherwise very boring. I’m a 21 yr old man from India and at this moment my life is in deep deep trouble. Professionally and financialy I am well settled but the problem here is something that is emotionally connected to the back of my head. This is about a cheating partner, whom I have known and been together for around two years now.

Well! two years is too long a time to know anyone in the first place, but in my case itwasnt to be, I failed to realize her true self. Now I know that all this while she was just cheating on me, technically the term will be double crossing. We have had this talk in between us on a lotta occasions but I cant!, just cant seem to get over her. I cant take her tears, even though I am well aware of her real charecter.

There have been a lotta instances where I have tried to break it up with her, but I keep going back to her. I need your help or advice, I know I am back here in India so the chances of me getting help are limited, but nevertheless I am hoping. Pls help me I dont need her anymore in my life, I need a saner more simpler life.

Thanks and Regards.

BUS Responds:

Dear Reader,

I really don’t want to sound too much like Dr. Phil here (does that reference mean anything in India? I hope not); however, the issue is not what you think about your girlfriend’s character, but rather what you feel and think about yourself. To stay with someone that you believe to be untrustworthy, someone you are convinced will hurt you again, generally happens for one of two reasons:

1) Fear of being alone that is so intense that you are willing to deny your intuitive feelings to get the hell away; or

2) A belief that you do not deserve any better.

Something tells me that your current predicament is based in the former and not the latter, because you opened your letter by saying that the rest of your life is well settled. Therefore, my message to you is about fear.

You stated in your letter that you keep going back and that you can’t take her tears. I think that means that you feel bad for her and that you feel compelled to engage in what you know deep down to be a losing battle. Are you afraid that you will never find another like her? Is your physical attraction so intense that you are fearful that you wont feel that way with another. Are you fearful that you will hurt her beyond repair? However you slice it, its all rooted in the same basic fear, the fear of the unknown; and this raises the question, do you feel capable of handling this fear enough to let go of this exciting yet destructive habit (and that is all this relationship has become, is a habit)?

People are funny in that their need for security is so great that they are willing to hang on to something that they know, even if it is bad for them, simply to avoid the unknown, even if it is probable that it will surely be better for them in the long run. What you should fear more than the unknown is the life that you would lead, and the precious time that you would waste, clinging to this weight that is dragging you down. Your girlfriend expects you to take her back, and the sad truth is, she probably respects you a little less every time you do. There is no advice that will convince you that you deserve better, or some technique that will assure that you follow through on the breakup. Nope, all there is is a challenge to do what is best, or the decision to do what is easiest. That is the choice here, it is really that simple.

Finally, there is an article on BreakUpService.com that I think fits your situation well, and the following is taken directly from it. It is based on the book “The Alchemist,” which I believe may be a good piece to pick up and read or reread at this point in your situation:

“The Alchemist has a poignant message about romantic love that all of those readers that have experienced a recent breakup could find helpful. It points out that romantic love is not the end all be all of our existence, and that it does not, and possibly should not, be the central aspect of our lives. The story points out that we each have a destiny to be followed that is independent of others. Being true to yourself and your dreams is what creates a person that can truly share their life and their love without reservation or regret. This point is critical to all of those that feel as though they have given up so much for someone, only to be abandoned, or feeling horribly because you felt you had to breakup as the relationship was stunting your growth. Your life is more than that. It is bigger than being devoted to someone, better to be devoted to your true desire and destiny and only then can it be shared with another. As Coelho points out, live your life around your dream and their will be more ‘heart’ in your life than you can now comprehend.”

Good luck. my friend.