Relationship Algebra

From Our Reader:

Hi,

Maybe you can help.

I moved to Dubai a few months ago and met a friend called A he then later introduced me to B (who was married with a 2yr old)

we all met on a few occasions and went out, on one night me and B got rather close as we had been drinking. A chose not to confront us.

over a few days when me and B started having problems I got angry and sent a few threat messages that I would tel his wife etc..however at this point we both chose it was not a good idea to tell A. After this blow up B went straight to A and told him as he ‘afraid’ and wasnt sure what to do bcoz he thought I would tell his wife.

From this point onwards me and A did not resolve our friendship, although A and B remained friends (excuse used was that B had the courage to tell him and I didnt)

I then called numerous times to try and justify y i didnt want to mention anything firstly that I was embarresed at the situation and secondly I also had mentioned that B made me not tell A is the reason as to why I didnt say.

I am really upset failing to understand this and remaining friends with B has left me on the lirch.

Me and B after sorting things out between us, still kept seeing each other after all of this, and again kept it low not mentioning anything to anyone.

A few days ago, I had got in to a real bad arguement with B where again I started to send him threatening messages etc.

Out of fear he ran back to A and blurted everything out once again, not only were situations bad between me and A in the first place but this was the icing on the cake when A advised B to tell his wife that I was threatening him.

So we had the whole confrontational thing with the wife and B etc, now things with him are left as be currently…

However when trying to communicate with A he was consistently discriminating me saying ‘he was a married man; and that I should know better and I have broke up a home’ ( they are inlaws of each others families by the way..B’s wifes brother is married to A’s sister) so I could understand that they are close, but to have me to blame for all this was just wrong.

I have never met anyone like A we have all the same characteristics and exact same humour and I sincerly miss it so much.

On attempts where I have tried to communicate with him he doesnt want to know and actualy swears at me, its very painful as I really believed he valued our friendship that much that he would atleast give me the benefit of the doubt, but he calls me fake along with many other things when i was nothing but genuine with him.

Because of this whole situation with the family getting involved also, B has kept his distance from me which is also hurtful as he gave me hope and now he feels better i believe that as its in the open, he can make me look like the chaser now if i am to call etc to prove his original point – when he said to his wife that i was threatening him and wasnt leaving him alone.

but althought i had a relationship with B my friendship honestly means more to me with A, which I feel I have forever ruined and am never able to win him over again or gain back trust. I just feel angry that A he was able to understand me and why i chose not to tel him, why he wont realise that.

Please kindly advise me as this is how it stands today.

Thanks
N

BUS Responds:

N,

What the $%^&? …seriously? You essentially start your story with “I have a friend ‘A”‘, who introduced me to ‘B’ who was married with a child. One night after drinking, ‘B’ and I got close and ‘A’ CHOSE not to confront us.” I mention this because you preface your whole scenario on it as if “A” not confronting you justified not only your behavior but “B’s” behavior as well. My guess is if he would have confronted you, you may have indignantly told him that “B” was a grown man and could take care of himself (maybe not, but still).

The additional context of them also being in-laws or family of some sort tells me that you have a slippery grip on reality as you think that “A” even has a choice in the matter as to which friend he cuts loose. Look at it from “A’s” perspective, he introduces a new “friend” to an older friend and she doesn’t have the common decency to ask, “hey are you cool with me doing your friend, I mean if I don’t care if he is married do you?” Then to had insult to injury you send “B” threatening messages… not once… but admittedly twice…are you for real? You demonstrate little consideration for others and a potential to boil someone’s bunny if you don’t get your way (sorry, but the ‘Fatal Attraction’ reference seemed appropriate) and you think that “A” should be banging down your door to be your friend.

So the question is what should you do now as you don’t want to lose the friendship. Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that ship has sailed, that horse has left the barn, that s@#% has hit the fan. The friendship was gone when your feelings were all that mattered and you did not stop to think that this could cause some irreparable damage to somebody. What should you do now? Well, really, the only thing that you can do is learn from this situation. Give “A” some space and respect the fact that he does not want to associate with you at this point; maybe with some time (and that is a very big maybe) things will change but you would be better served focusing your efforts on working to figure out how after all that has happened you could be angry with “A” for not understanding you (is it even possible that it is always about you). You were not the victim here. If there is a victim, it is “A”.

If you want to be trusted not just by “A” again but by anybody in the future, it may be time to learn something about trust. Trust is built when one’s words and behavior consistently demonstrate consideration for the other, not through words alone, and especially not when one’s behavior demonstrates that their feelings matter more than anything else. This is made even more evident when the person reacts in anger when they don’t get what they want. It’s time to show that you are capable of being a good friend by leaving well enough alone by thinking of someone other than yourself.