Going from Marienbad

I saw lovers on the U-Bahn
Pressed against each other like nesting birds.
I read maps that showed the way
From Alexanderplatz to Marienbad.

In the morning, my grandfather took his tea
From a glass cup, and looked at Germany.
When night came, we walked the maze of Berlin
He spread his umbrella beneath the sky.
In the glow of storefronts, I saw lonely faces.
I heard the rain, and songs.

I wonder if I will ever feel what it is like
To be lovers on the U-Bahn,
Going from one city
To a country of strange faces.

- M. Rephun

“Before or after the wedding?” That is the question…or is it?

From Our Reader:

I’ve been dating a guy off-and-on for more than three years (mostly on); it’s been a long-distance relationship for nearly that long, and has been pretty serious (talking about marriage, etc.)

I’m in a new job, and have been waiting for him to graduate from college (he’s 30, I’m 26), after which he was supposed to move here to join me. I just found out that it’s going to take him 6-months longer to graduate than I thought it would…(this isn’t the first time it’s been drawn out), and additionally I’m beginning to realize I don’t really want this anymore.

I want to break up with him, but am not sure how. I still care about him – and really love him, even – just not enough to continue the relationship with no light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s even more complicated because I’m supposed to fly out to be his date for a wedding (his family) next month; I’ve already bought my tickets.

So here’s my question: If I’m sure I want to break up, how do I do it in the most honest and compassionate way? Do I break up before I go and not go to the wedding, or do I wait until I see him in person, and break up after the wedding? (I feel like I’d kind of have to do it after the wedding to avoid the potential bad feelings that could mess it up.)

Please advise!

BUS Responds:

Although I am somewhat confused about your dilemma, I feel compelled to comment on your situation before I weigh in on your specific questions.

You write that “I still care about him – and really love him, even – just not enough to continue the relationship with no light at the end of the tunnel.” To what light are you referring? Is there a place that you believe exists with the “right person” at which you are ready for commitment, where all your ducks are in a row so it’s time to take the plunge? I hate to break this to you but such a place does not exist, no matter how ambitious or well-prepared one thinks they are.

I mean, it sounds as if this guy would be perfect for you, were he to graduate 6 months earlier. I get that this is not the first time your relationship has been stalled on his account, but doesn’t that mean you don’t want to continue with the relationship because of his character (now that’s a good reason), and not because he is graduating in December instead of June. Honesty is best here, not just with him, but especially with you. You love him, but can’t see yourself with him for the rest of your life because he is not the “man” that you want to commit to…right? He does not demonstrate his commitment to you by how he lives his life, he is not ready for the type of life you are ready for right now, on your schedule, not his (since he doesn’t really seem to have a schedule).

This explanation sounds more accurate to me; but wait…there is a rub here. Does he know that such a schedule exists? Does he even realize he is being judged by you in this manner? You wrote that you have talked about marriage, but does that mean you have clearly stated to him how you picture that future, or was it a vague discussion about how you cared for each other enough to spend forever together? I am all for you breaking it off with him because he is not the man you want as your future husband and the father of your children. However, unless you have been honest with him about your life plan, and the schedule that seems to be attached to it, I don’t think it is fair to dismiss this relationship after two years the way that you plan to do it.

So, essentially, my question to is this: why do you really want to end the relationship? This is important, because the answer – if it is rooted in true reflection and honest soul-searching – will not only help with the growth or termination of this relationship, but will up the odds that the next relationship will be different (in other words, its not about him, its about you). The added bonus is that honesty also helps him. Don’t get me wrong, he will be hurt, maybe even devastated; but if you conduct a loving and honest discussion about why you have to break up, you are truly demonstrating your love and compassion for him as well. He will feel better about things and he will be able to learn a positive lesson from this experience.

Ok. Now to your question. Do you breakup before or after the wedding? The answer depends upon who is getting married. Do you have a relationship with the bride and groom, or are they just the people getting married at the wedding your boyfriend asked you to go to? If it is the former, then you suck it up, think about someone other than you and your soon to be ex-boyfriend, and go to the wedding without bringing drama. If it is the latter, you find a time to breakup, in-person (I mean, come on; you had a two year relationship with the guy) as soon as you can. If you’re doing this in a mature and honest context, it doesn’t really matter , whether it’s before or after the wedding. Does it?

Super Good BreakUp: India-style

From Our Reader:

Hi Guys,

I dont really know why I am doing this, but I know this is damn serious about this message that you will find otherwise very boring. I’m a 21 yr old man from India and at this moment my life is in deep deep trouble. Professionally and financialy I am well settled but the problem here is something that is emotionally connected to the back of my head. This is about a cheating partner, whom I have known and been together for around two years now.

Well! two years is too long a time to know anyone in the first place, but in my case itwasnt to be, I failed to realize her true self. Now I know that all this while she was just cheating on me, technically the term will be double crossing. We have had this talk in between us on a lotta occasions but I cant!, just cant seem to get over her. I cant take her tears, even though I am well aware of her real charecter.

There have been a lotta instances where I have tried to break it up with her, but I keep going back to her. I need your help or advice, I know I am back here in India so the chances of me getting help are limited, but nevertheless I am hoping. Pls help me I dont need her anymore in my life, I need a saner more simpler life.

Thanks and Regards.

BUS Responds:

Dear Reader,

I really don’t want to sound too much like Dr. Phil here (does that reference mean anything in India? I hope not); however, the issue is not what you think about your girlfriend’s character, but rather what you feel and think about yourself. To stay with someone that you believe to be untrustworthy, someone you are convinced will hurt you again, generally happens for one of two reasons:

1) Fear of being alone that is so intense that you are willing to deny your intuitive feelings to get the hell away; or

2) A belief that you do not deserve any better.

Something tells me that your current predicament is based in the former and not the latter, because you opened your letter by saying that the rest of your life is well settled. Therefore, my message to you is about fear.

You stated in your letter that you keep going back and that you can’t take her tears. I think that means that you feel bad for her and that you feel compelled to engage in what you know deep down to be a losing battle. Are you afraid that you will never find another like her? Is your physical attraction so intense that you are fearful that you wont feel that way with another. Are you fearful that you will hurt her beyond repair? However you slice it, its all rooted in the same basic fear, the fear of the unknown; and this raises the question, do you feel capable of handling this fear enough to let go of this exciting yet destructive habit (and that is all this relationship has become, is a habit)?

People are funny in that their need for security is so great that they are willing to hang on to something that they know, even if it is bad for them, simply to avoid the unknown, even if it is probable that it will surely be better for them in the long run. What you should fear more than the unknown is the life that you would lead, and the precious time that you would waste, clinging to this weight that is dragging you down. Your girlfriend expects you to take her back, and the sad truth is, she probably respects you a little less every time you do. There is no advice that will convince you that you deserve better, or some technique that will assure that you follow through on the breakup. Nope, all there is is a challenge to do what is best, or the decision to do what is easiest. That is the choice here, it is really that simple.

Finally, there is an article on BreakUpService.com that I think fits your situation well, and the following is taken directly from it. It is based on the book “The Alchemist,” which I believe may be a good piece to pick up and read or reread at this point in your situation:

“The Alchemist has a poignant message about romantic love that all of those readers that have experienced a recent breakup could find helpful. It points out that romantic love is not the end all be all of our existence, and that it does not, and possibly should not, be the central aspect of our lives. The story points out that we each have a destiny to be followed that is independent of others. Being true to yourself and your dreams is what creates a person that can truly share their life and their love without reservation or regret. This point is critical to all of those that feel as though they have given up so much for someone, only to be abandoned, or feeling horribly because you felt you had to breakup as the relationship was stunting your growth. Your life is more than that. It is bigger than being devoted to someone, better to be devoted to your true desire and destiny and only then can it be shared with another. As Coelho points out, live your life around your dream and their will be more ‘heart’ in your life than you can now comprehend.”

Good luck. my friend.

Relationship Algebra

From Our Reader:

Hi,

Maybe you can help.

I moved to Dubai a few months ago and met a friend called A he then later introduced me to B (who was married with a 2yr old)

we all met on a few occasions and went out, on one night me and B got rather close as we had been drinking. A chose not to confront us.

over a few days when me and B started having problems I got angry and sent a few threat messages that I would tel his wife etc..however at this point we both chose it was not a good idea to tell A. After this blow up B went straight to A and told him as he ‘afraid’ and wasnt sure what to do bcoz he thought I would tell his wife.

From this point onwards me and A did not resolve our friendship, although A and B remained friends (excuse used was that B had the courage to tell him and I didnt)

I then called numerous times to try and justify y i didnt want to mention anything firstly that I was embarresed at the situation and secondly I also had mentioned that B made me not tell A is the reason as to why I didnt say.

I am really upset failing to understand this and remaining friends with B has left me on the lirch.

Me and B after sorting things out between us, still kept seeing each other after all of this, and again kept it low not mentioning anything to anyone.

A few days ago, I had got in to a real bad arguement with B where again I started to send him threatening messages etc.

Out of fear he ran back to A and blurted everything out once again, not only were situations bad between me and A in the first place but this was the icing on the cake when A advised B to tell his wife that I was threatening him.

So we had the whole confrontational thing with the wife and B etc, now things with him are left as be currently…

However when trying to communicate with A he was consistently discriminating me saying ‘he was a married man; and that I should know better and I have broke up a home’ ( they are inlaws of each others families by the way..B’s wifes brother is married to A’s sister) so I could understand that they are close, but to have me to blame for all this was just wrong.

I have never met anyone like A we have all the same characteristics and exact same humour and I sincerly miss it so much.

On attempts where I have tried to communicate with him he doesnt want to know and actualy swears at me, its very painful as I really believed he valued our friendship that much that he would atleast give me the benefit of the doubt, but he calls me fake along with many other things when i was nothing but genuine with him.

Because of this whole situation with the family getting involved also, B has kept his distance from me which is also hurtful as he gave me hope and now he feels better i believe that as its in the open, he can make me look like the chaser now if i am to call etc to prove his original point – when he said to his wife that i was threatening him and wasnt leaving him alone.

but althought i had a relationship with B my friendship honestly means more to me with A, which I feel I have forever ruined and am never able to win him over again or gain back trust. I just feel angry that A he was able to understand me and why i chose not to tel him, why he wont realise that.

Please kindly advise me as this is how it stands today.

Thanks
N

BUS Responds:

N,

What the $%^&? …seriously? You essentially start your story with “I have a friend ‘A”‘, who introduced me to ‘B’ who was married with a child. One night after drinking, ‘B’ and I got close and ‘A’ CHOSE not to confront us.” I mention this because you preface your whole scenario on it as if “A” not confronting you justified not only your behavior but “B’s” behavior as well. My guess is if he would have confronted you, you may have indignantly told him that “B” was a grown man and could take care of himself (maybe not, but still).

The additional context of them also being in-laws or family of some sort tells me that you have a slippery grip on reality as you think that “A” even has a choice in the matter as to which friend he cuts loose. Look at it from “A’s” perspective, he introduces a new “friend” to an older friend and she doesn’t have the common decency to ask, “hey are you cool with me doing your friend, I mean if I don’t care if he is married do you?” Then to had insult to injury you send “B” threatening messages… not once… but admittedly twice…are you for real? You demonstrate little consideration for others and a potential to boil someone’s bunny if you don’t get your way (sorry, but the ‘Fatal Attraction’ reference seemed appropriate) and you think that “A” should be banging down your door to be your friend.

So the question is what should you do now as you don’t want to lose the friendship. Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that ship has sailed, that horse has left the barn, that s@#% has hit the fan. The friendship was gone when your feelings were all that mattered and you did not stop to think that this could cause some irreparable damage to somebody. What should you do now? Well, really, the only thing that you can do is learn from this situation. Give “A” some space and respect the fact that he does not want to associate with you at this point; maybe with some time (and that is a very big maybe) things will change but you would be better served focusing your efforts on working to figure out how after all that has happened you could be angry with “A” for not understanding you (is it even possible that it is always about you). You were not the victim here. If there is a victim, it is “A”.

If you want to be trusted not just by “A” again but by anybody in the future, it may be time to learn something about trust. Trust is built when one’s words and behavior consistently demonstrate consideration for the other, not through words alone, and especially not when one’s behavior demonstrates that their feelings matter more than anything else. This is made even more evident when the person reacts in anger when they don’t get what they want. It’s time to show that you are capable of being a good friend by leaving well enough alone by thinking of someone other than yourself.