The Brain in Love

“The heart wants what it wants.” I can’t tell you how this phrase has helped me over the years. In trying to romance a woman, or in trying to break up with her, this simple statement has worked its way into conversation more times than I can recall. So, you can imagine how distressed I was to learn that it may be bullshit. I say “may” because I’m still very attached to my little phrase, but modern science suggests the more accurate line is “The brain does what it does.”Recently, in an effort to better understand the fairer sex, I picked up a copy of The Female Brain (Broadway Books, 2007) the national bestseller by Louann Brizendine, MD. The book’s premise is that hormones dictate much of human behavior and certainly have a huge influence on the key factors involved in coupling. “They help guide nurturing, social, sexual, and aggressive behaviors,” the author asserts, as well as a host of other behaviors that are at the heart of the beginning, middle - and the end - of every relationship. This includes flirtation, seduction, sex, orgasm, falling in love, cheating, and breaking up.” As an aside, of all the words in that quote, “orgasm” stands out most. Is that a guy thing?

Anyway, I know all about hormones, so I can handle the idea that they can dictate moods (I have all kinds of sisters and wives and daughters, and 16-year-old sons, remember). However, Brizendine contends that falling in love is itself a documented brain state. As a hopeless romantic, I was displeased to hear that. Could the one thing that we all idealize and aspire to - romantic love - and the process of forming love relationships really be nothing more than the product of hormones and brain chemistry? Is there no “fate” or “soul” or “heart” involved?

Does that make heartache as clinical as heartburn? Pass the Zantac and let’s call it a day?

Speaking of indigestion - and chest pain - if love is just a brain state. why does it hurt so damn bad?!?

Since we’re riding the science train today, I’ll offer this tidbit from the book: apparently, brain-imaging studies tell us that romantic rejection - read: heartbreak, getting dumped, dumping others, even - hurts as much as physical pain, because it triggers the same circuits in the brain. That actually helps, because the point of the heart wanting what it wants was to show that we’re helpless to fight it. Well, if you slip on a banana peel and fall on your ass, you’re helpless to fight the pain in your coccyx. So, if your heart, via your brain, of course, is aching, what can you do about it?

A better question is why? Why does the brain cause pain when we break up? Why does it trigger those circuits? (By the way, “what” and “how” are decent as questions go, but in life you may find that “why” beats them hands down…try replacing “what” and “how” with “why” and you’ll see what I mean)

If you’re one of those people who believe that there’s a bigger picture, you might argue that heartbreak hurts for the same reason our tailbone hurts when we fall: it’s a warning. The Female Brain (and while this is not a paid endorsement, it should be because this book is teaching me more about my brain than I expected to learn) reminds us that pain, that shocks to our system, serve the purpose of waking us up to danger and motivating us to change our behavior. If falling down hurts, we may try to avoid it in the future. If heartbreak is agony, maybe we will seek out healthier relationships and maybe, just maybe we’ll find one that is functional (like I said, I’m a hopeless romantic).

It’s great to discover that if our brain is the source of our emotions, at least it has our best interests at heart.

Before we know it, this article will be finished, so let’s talk about sex. Brizendine writes, “Being dumped actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.” She gets into some highly technical language at this point (she’s a doctor, I’m a writer), that from what I can tell boils down to the fact that the brain reacts to being dumped by craving a reunion with the source of the emotions. “This state elicits not trust and bonding, but painful, intense searching for the beloved,” Brizendine explains. In other words, you lose control of your mind and the body’s biological & neurological impulses take over…and it isn’t pretty - or healthy.

It’s exciting, though, and it’s something both male and female brains crave. Why? Because, simply put, it makes us more than we are. We expand ourselves by merging with another. It sounds great, this expansion - our likes and dislikes come together, we open our minds to ideas we never did before, we try new things (or think we do), we compromise (or think we do). It’s also part of our survival instincts, to find a mate as we do food…of course, food will never, ever call you an asshole.

When the breakup comes…well, all the symptoms are familiar to anyone who’s experienced a breakup, so I won’t bother to list them, but we know they range in extremity - and often make us feel like we’re bordering on insanity. The only thing we can think about is getting back together with our newly minted ex.

For obvious reasons, makeup sex is almost impossible to resist, yet it only complicates matters and, like going off the wagon, inevitably extends the period of weaning off the other person (note to self: write an article on Makeup Sex).

The bottom line is this: perhaps there’s something truly helpful about demystifying what happens in the brain when we’re in love. Sure, we all want to get swept up in the irrational passions of love and not think about the chemistry behind what’s happening to us. We want to “listen to our heart.” We want the mystery and the rush and the feeling of two souls connecting on a level that no other human being can possibly duplicate. And maybe there IS some truth to these notions, but when it comes to breaking up, maybe it’s worth trying to focus on the fact that the pain, hurt, heartache and irresistible urge to reunite with the ex (while forgetting/ignoring ALL of the reasons that led to the breakup in the first place) are really just a product of brain chemistry and there’s nothing at all mystical or magical about it.

Yes, the brain does what it does, which makes the heart want what it wants. And when you break up with someone, you can count on a chain reaction that is legitimately painful but completely explicable. If breaking up is the right thing, you just have to bite the bullet and prepare yourself for the pain of ‘weaning your brain’ off of that other person. Hopefully, this knowledge may minimize the midnight drive-by’s and the drunk dialing, which only prolong the escape and healing parts of the breakup process.

Is there a 12-step program for people going through breakups? Perhaps there should be (I need to explore this concept for the site…but first, I need to write the makeup sex article).