The FB Diaries: A Guide for F@#%ers, Part 1

BreakUpService.com is happy and proud to introduce a new series of articles from one of our readers. We’ll let it speak for itself, but first some background:

Dear BreakUpService.com,

I am a huge fan of your site! Not long ago, when I was going through an extremely difficult breakup, a friend of mine recommended I check you guys out. I said I didn’t need a service to break up for me (as you were previously known for). What I really needed was a community, a place where I could find out more about this process that we all go through. Your articles, insight – and sensitivity – all resonated with me, and so I’m a fan. BUT…I felt that something was lacking in the female perspective, and I felt that some of what I’ve gone through recently might be of interest to your readership, both male AND female. I propose a series of articles, a column if you will, called The F@#% Buddy Diaries…

Needless to say, we bit, and here is the first installment of:

The FB Diaries: A Guide for F@#%ers

By Anonymous

Part One: The Early Stages

…In which we explore knowing what you need, knowing what you want, and more.
Knowing What You Need

When my FB experiences began in earnest, I was at a crossroads. At the time, however, I felt like I was at a dead end. I simply wasn’t interested in the people around me and I was particularly bored with myself. I wanted to make a change but had no energy or interest in thinking about myself long enough to know what to do. I had had a handful of relationships – good relationships – that had ended for all the right reasons. I had a job that needed to end for all the right reasons. And I was living in a place that I needed to not live anymore for all the right reasons. I was down – perpetually irritated with who I was, where I was and why I needed a change – for all the right reasons.

How could I shake this and move on already? I’d tried drinking, smoking pot, taking long walks on the beach. I’d tried reaching out to old friends, hooking up with old boyfriends and going to the gym. This got me drunk, stoned, sad and a large phone bill. It all made me loathe myself more, encouraged further self-deprecation and worse, opened the flood gates on baggage with old boyfriends whose chapters had closed for very good reasons. “What’s a girl gotta do to get laid around here?”

Then…it…clicked. I would f@#% myself out of this funk.

I went to the gym to kick the crap out of a bag and think over my unhealthy decision (to go bang a stranger); that immediately made me feel better…healthier. I focused all of my attention on meeting this one basic need. I would find myself a f@#% buddy.

Initially I thought that this act alone (f@#%ing) would help clear my head. What I found, however, was the delicate balancing act, equal parts f@#%ing and buddy – that really helped pull me out of the gutter. I decided to keep a journal of my findings to help lead others to the light! And that’s when it began:

F@#% Buddy: The Art of 2:00AM.

Knowing What You Want

The right f@#% buddy for you is someone who only meets the bare-bones physical and social criteria -the opposite of everything (you remember) having slept with. Personality is key here. As a general rule, it should be someone who in any other circumstances with whom you would have nothing to talk about or their every word would drive you crazy. I would steer clear of people who you think are stupid. If you find yourself having an argument with someone you think has potential as an FB – you’ve just blown your chances. Here’s a simple how-to checklist to guide your selection process.

As a general rule, make a short mental list of physical traits that make you gag. This is probably something you’ve never done before so practice by writing down an idea followed by “makes me gag.” If you don’t shiver when you think it – find something else. Here’s an example of my list:

1. Men who shave their pubic hair make me gag. I just imagine them looking at their wieners for a whole hour, clipping and buzzing and trimming and shaving – and it makes me gag. Men who do this have a look about them – even with their clothes on – make me gag. I slept with one of these wieners by accident and I literally gagged when I saw it.
2. Men who are super muscular make me gag. They’re always trying to pump their muscles up so they walk weird – like they have something up their butt. And they almost always have small wieners. Gag. Oh and they shave their chests. See number 1.
3. Men with long hair pulled back into pony tails with a bald receding hairline make me gag. Just cut your hair off! Again, I imagine long periods of grooming time – a visual of a man “brushing his long hair” makes me gag.

See – so there’s lots of men who don’t fall into my gag category. If you have more than 3 things that make you gag – you might be too angry for a f@#% buddy. Revisit this concept in three months. When you’re sober.

Next, make a list of social characteristics that absolutely drive you mad. Here’s an example of my list:

1. People who TELL you they are: “good listeners” or “deep.” These people drive me mad – they’re never good listeners, and never, ever, ever deep. These are generally really stupid people who drive me mad.
2. The “jokester” with the “knock-knocks.” These are not funny. If you tell me a knock-knock joke, I will hate you. Forever.
3. The “artist.” Now there was a day that I was really into this, but man oh man am I done with the artist! I don’t even want to hear that you paint as a hobby. I wouldn’t have a one-night stand with the artist. This is how over the artist I am. I have been driven to madness.

Now my list and your list are going to be different. If you’re a fully shaved self-proclaimed artist who tells knock-knocks you may be just fine for someone. My point is that you have to be honest with yourself about the bare-bones. These are deal breakers. Generally speaking, to find a f@#% buddy you have to be far more flexible than in finding a partner, so knowing what you absolutely cannot deal with is the only thing that matters.

Now let’s talk briefly about that “perfect person.” The guiding criteria one must meet to truly capture your attention. This is a person you would date; a person you could bring home to meet the parents. Keep your list to ten. My “perfect person” would be:

1. Witty
2. Good looking but doesn’t act good looking
3. Articulate
4. Responsible
5. Grounded
6. Funny
7. Sharp/Quick
8. Employed
9. Educated
10. Thoughtful

Your f@#% buddy should not meet any of these criteria or at maximum, up to 2 criteria. They should not drive you mad. They should not make you gag.

Do you see how easy this is going to be!

Here is a description of my f@#% buddy:

He’s sarcastic. Kind of mean. Many would call him a dick. I’d call him a jerk. To walk past him is a chore. He’s not too talky, just has an attitude, an air. He’s not arrogant – but one definitely smells a tinge of insecurity; he’s self-righteous.

My FB was someone I had seen many, many times before but on that cold fall day, I recognized his potential. Are you ready for this?

It was the smart-ass towel-boy at the gym. The desk guy handling all those important phone calls. The do-as-little-as-possible-guy. He’s smart but a bit of rebel. He had a kind of cackle I was into – not too cool. He’s definitely hot, but I would never, ever let anyone know I thought so. And he’s not a meathead-douche-bag. He works at the gym but he doesn’t appear to work out at the gym. As you can see from my “gag” list, this was good for me. And I definitely got the vibe he had all of his hair but that he wasn’t a “hairy guy.” I am a social person. What made this guy so perfect was that most people really didn’t like him. I joined along – agreeing with what an ass he was in public. No one would ever suspect in a million years that I would be keeping a journal about him…

Most importantly he is NO ONE I WOULD EVER DATE! This impossibility is what makes the f@#% buddy possible. If it is not entirely inconceivable that you would ever “be” with this person, you have got to keep looking…

Stay tuned for the next installment of the The FB Diaries, in which our author deals with who should have a ff@#% buddy…and how to make a plan of action.

The Brain in Love

“The heart wants what it wants.” I can’t tell you how this phrase has helped me over the years. In trying to romance a woman, or in trying to break up with her, this simple statement has worked its way into conversation more times than I can recall. So, you can imagine how distressed I was to learn that it may be bullshit. I say “may” because I’m still very attached to my little phrase, but modern science suggests the more accurate line is “The brain does what it does.”Recently, in an effort to better understand the fairer sex, I picked up a copy of The Female Brain (Broadway Books, 2007) the national bestseller by Louann Brizendine, MD. The book’s premise is that hormones dictate much of human behavior and certainly have a huge influence on the key factors involved in coupling. “They help guide nurturing, social, sexual, and aggressive behaviors,” the author asserts, as well as a host of other behaviors that are at the heart of the beginning, middle – and the end – of every relationship. This includes flirtation, seduction, sex, orgasm, falling in love, cheating, and breaking up.” As an aside, of all the words in that quote, “orgasm” stands out most. Is that a guy thing?

Anyway, I know all about hormones, so I can handle the idea that they can dictate moods (I have all kinds of sisters and wives and daughters, and 16-year-old sons, remember). However, Brizendine contends that falling in love is itself a documented brain state. As a hopeless romantic, I was displeased to hear that. Could the one thing that we all idealize and aspire to – romantic love – and the process of forming love relationships really be nothing more than the product of hormones and brain chemistry? Is there no “fate” or “soul” or “heart” involved?

Does that make heartache as clinical as heartburn? Pass the Zantac and let’s call it a day?

Speaking of indigestion – and chest pain – if love is just a brain state. why does it hurt so damn bad?!?

Since we’re riding the science train today, I’ll offer this tidbit from the book: apparently, brain-imaging studies tell us that romantic rejection – read: heartbreak, getting dumped, dumping others, even – hurts as much as physical pain, because it triggers the same circuits in the brain. That actually helps, because the point of the heart wanting what it wants was to show that we’re helpless to fight it. Well, if you slip on a banana peel and fall on your ass, you’re helpless to fight the pain in your coccyx. So, if your heart, via your brain, of course, is aching, what can you do about it?

A better question is why? Why does the brain cause pain when we break up? Why does it trigger those circuits? (By the way, “what” and “how” are decent as questions go, but in life you may find that “why” beats them hands down…try replacing “what” and “how” with “why” and you’ll see what I mean)

If you’re one of those people who believe that there’s a bigger picture, you might argue that heartbreak hurts for the same reason our tailbone hurts when we fall: it’s a warning. The Female Brain (and while this is not a paid endorsement, it should be because this book is teaching me more about my brain than I expected to learn) reminds us that pain, that shocks to our system, serve the purpose of waking us up to danger and motivating us to change our behavior. If falling down hurts, we may try to avoid it in the future. If heartbreak is agony, maybe we will seek out healthier relationships and maybe, just maybe we’ll find one that is functional (like I said, I’m a hopeless romantic).

It’s great to discover that if our brain is the source of our emotions, at least it has our best interests at heart.

Before we know it, this article will be finished, so let’s talk about sex. Brizendine writes, “Being dumped actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women.” She gets into some highly technical language at this point (she’s a doctor, I’m a writer), that from what I can tell boils down to the fact that the brain reacts to being dumped by craving a reunion with the source of the emotions. “This state elicits not trust and bonding, but painful, intense searching for the beloved,” Brizendine explains. In other words, you lose control of your mind and the body’s biological & neurological impulses take over…and it isn’t pretty – or healthy.

It’s exciting, though, and it’s something both male and female brains crave. Why? Because, simply put, it makes us more than we are. We expand ourselves by merging with another. It sounds great, this expansion – our likes and dislikes come together, we open our minds to ideas we never did before, we try new things (or think we do), we compromise (or think we do). It’s also part of our survival instincts, to find a mate as we do food…of course, food will never, ever call you an asshole.

When the breakup comes…well, all the symptoms are familiar to anyone who’s experienced a breakup, so I won’t bother to list them, but we know they range in extremity – and often make us feel like we’re bordering on insanity. The only thing we can think about is getting back together with our newly minted ex.

For obvious reasons, makeup sex is almost impossible to resist, yet it only complicates matters and, like going off the wagon, inevitably extends the period of weaning off the other person (note to self: write an article on Makeup Sex).

The bottom line is this: perhaps there’s something truly helpful about demystifying what happens in the brain when we’re in love. Sure, we all want to get swept up in the irrational passions of love and not think about the chemistry behind what’s happening to us. We want to “listen to our heart.” We want the mystery and the rush and the feeling of two souls connecting on a level that no other human being can possibly duplicate. And maybe there IS some truth to these notions, but when it comes to breaking up, maybe it’s worth trying to focus on the fact that the pain, hurt, heartache and irresistible urge to reunite with the ex (while forgetting/ignoring ALL of the reasons that led to the breakup in the first place) are really just a product of brain chemistry and there’s nothing at all mystical or magical about it.

Yes, the brain does what it does, which makes the heart want what it wants. And when you break up with someone, you can count on a chain reaction that is legitimately painful but completely explicable. If breaking up is the right thing, you just have to bite the bullet and prepare yourself for the pain of ‘weaning your brain’ off of that other person. Hopefully, this knowledge may minimize the midnight drive-by’s and the drunk dialing, which only prolong the escape and healing parts of the breakup process.

Is there a 12-step program for people going through breakups? Perhaps there should be (I need to explore this concept for the site…but first, I need to write the makeup sex article).