Are you a Giver or a Taker?

Are you a giver or a taker?

I hate that this sounds so cynical but in my experience with relationships there seems to be two types of people. There are givers and there are takers. That is not to say that you can’t be both, but the bottom line is we spend more time being one or the other. It’s what we do when we are not thinking about it that is the true test of whether we are a giver or a taker. I’m sure we would all like to think that we are givers, but if we genuinely reflect upon our behavior with others many of us would discover otherwise.

When we are under stress such as in a fight with a loved one, does’nt’t it seem that the same person continually makes the greater effort to make-up? First to apologize; quick to forgive their partner even if the “taker” made a half hearted attempt at making a mends; that’s the “giver.” The person that pleads ignorance and seems to pretend as if the fight never occurred, going about there day as if they were not aware that their significant other is hurt; that’s the taker. In the best of relationships the two parties involved share the roles of giver and taker evenly, they compromise.

However our relationships with others are complicated by how we feel about ourselves.
(For instance what did we grow up with in terms of parents, givers or takers?). Do we feel we have to take because we are convinced there aren’t any givers out there? Do we feel we deserve to take? Do we feel we have to give or others won’t care? The scenarios are endless and just thinking about them is exhausting. The reality of the situation is that it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past. What matters is what is happening right now. If your last relationship ended because the ratio of giving and taking was not to your liking, chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

Don’t be blind and continue to make the same mistakes with the same types of people. The reality that I wish to share with you that will transform your life is that the only truly happy and fulfilled people are the givers. How we treat others is directly linked to who we attract. We let into our lives people that treat us in similar ways. Giving begets giving. However you have to trust this to be true to let go and give it a shot. So the key is to be a giver. Practice giving of yourself to others. Giving to friends, family, even strangers will enrich your life beyond your current comprehension. It is the road to recovery that you need to focus now.  Giving seems counter intuitive, but it works.  It attracts those that give back as long as you recognize the difference between the two types.  Say yes to those that reciprocate and not to those that do not.

So how is it that we learn to be a giver? Is there a class, a book to read, or is
it just the personality of some people to be givers. The reality of the situation is that givers are created in essentially the same way that takers are. Givers start by giving to themselves. They treat themselves well. They understand and believe that they are worth the effort. If our site were to convey one message to you it would be to be good to yourself, as it is the basis for recovering from a break up. So start being a giver today and start with that person in the mirror.

Here is a cool little self help guide you might like.  It’s cheesy, but what the hell – it can’t hurt…

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Just broke up? Have a laugh…

We get so many emails asking us to help in the healing process. The best advice we can give you is to laugh. Laughing is the best way to recovery. It is the quintessential way to heal your broken heart. Find the things in life that make you happy. You need to move on, no matter how much you think you love the person you just left or that left you. In our assesment, you will eventually laugh at all the drama your break up has caused. In that we are sure. Please visit the “HEAL” category for more info on how to heal. If you need a laugh, then go to our “Laughing heals a broken heart” category. Whatever you need, we have it.

We have been in the Break Up business a long time and we know how hard it can be when ending a relationship. Please tell us what you think and don’t be shy. If you cannot find what you need, then we will be happy to provide it for you in the future. We accept suggestions, so the we can at the very least attempt to solve the problem. A broken heart is a serious thing, so be honest. Browse all our categories, you’ll be shocked at all the advice we’ve collected. Take at look at your life and find all the that is good about it. Forget the past for now, look forward and heal. Once you do, you can return for revenge or for love. In any case you need to feel better, so focus on that…

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Wanna end a relationship? Say, “NO”…

People, who are falling out of love, often ask us how to go about a relationship break up without all the drama.  Well, the answer is pretty simple, say no! In other words, be honest about your intentions in every day life, until your muster up enough courage to tell the truth about what you are feeling to a loved one that you need to get away from. People often have trouble breaking up because they cannot say no.  People often feel guilty about saying no, within a relationship, because they are afraid of confrontation.  People often say yes, because they believe that it will avoid conflict or an argument.  Unfortunately, none of this is true.  Conflict usually arises from a misunderstanding.  Misunderstandings can be avoided if the truth is known and that truth is usually based on the fact that someone said, “no”. 

Hear us out.  If you were to say, “NO” to and mean it every time your partner asked for something, then obviously the relationship would not have gone as far as it probably has.  If that is the case, then breaking up should be a breeze since your partner knows you are not all that into whatever he or she is in to, right? Saying no to a date, to a party or to a romantic get away, will surely lead to a break up that is based on the fact that you want out.  Most people get into trouble because they insist on trying to be the nice person, cuz they ultimately believe that saying no is rude. What is rude is saying yes, but meaning no.

The art of saying “no” relies heavily on knowing one’s true feelings. If in your heart you know that you are not going to marry or stay with someone forever, then start saying no.  It’s the truth isn’t it?  You may want to go to a party or trip with someone cuz there is no other alternative.  If this is the case then start saying no.  The truth is that you want to go to a romantic get away, but not with that person.  Sure, telling someone that they do not tickle your fancy is rude, but saying “no” to a date is not rude.  It’s honest and usually gets you out of a situation that can quickly become misleading.

If in doubt say no.  How many times have you heard that advice?  Thousands of times, yet you still want to say yes to someone that you don’t really love.  Why?  In the long run, you need to be truthful.  If you are confused, then say “no”, just to be safe.  If your lonely, then you must say no.  Nobody wants to be a second choice or a consolation prize.  We all want to be loved, but not tricked into thinking that we are loved.  Start saying no and setting yourself free.  Trust us, it gets easier with practice.  Let your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you mean “NO” despite the fact that you’re saying “YES”…

“20 Ways To Say No…”

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Just be happy you’re alive…

  It’s September 11th, 2006, five years after the World Trade Center tragedy.  If you are in a break up, try to keep it in perspective.  Forgive those that hurt you.  Forgive yourself for hurting someone. It is better to have loved once than never at all.  It’s time for us to appreciate having the ability to talk, hug and kiss those we love.  As long as you are alive love is possible. There is no need to shed tears over lost love.  Just around the corner you will find love again.

Let’s take at least this day to remember what makes us happy.  Let’s focus on all the good that is possible, rather than all the pain in our pasts.  Moving on is the best coping mechanism, but it doesn’t mean we have to forget.

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Love is a bitter pill…

They were some high times – literally and figuratively.  You met at a party, and free drinks always lead to something good, something dangerous, or sexy .  In this case, it was great.  You were loose enough to open up and quickly realized there was a powerful connection.  But here you are, months maybe years later, and this person you love is still partying but your not.  Before you groan, I promise you that this isn’t an article about addiction.

It’s about connection, and what to do when there isn’t one.  The point of the lead-in here is that as people change and evolve, so must relationships.  Maybe a few years ago, going overboard didn’t come with great consequences and now, it may.  Maybe when you met, you looked at life differently than you do now; you’ve changed but the relationship is the same.  It could be that the relationship changed and you are the same.  In any case, you must orient yourself to where the problem lies.

If you’re considering ending a relationship because you feel disconnected from the person you wake up next to. It may help to consider why.  It may be the path they’ve chosen in their career; maybe it’s their overall priorities, the place they want to live or that their friends are more important than anything else – ANYTHING else…  Only you know.  But I’ll tell you this: if you don’t feel connected, it’s not their habits, the fact that they don’t help around the house, or that they’re not romantic anymore. 

Maybe they’re not interested in sex.  All those things are symptoms.  And when we get hung up on symptoms, we fight.  And we lose.  All of us.  You, your significant other, and – if i happen to be your next door neighbor – me.  So forget about the symptoms.  Look at the illness, and – if you’re sure the disconnect is permanent, you know the only cure.  And the only thing you both need to drink is your medicine.

“We have had our share of troubles, even before marriage. We also both come from dysfunctional backgrounds, mine more so than his, I would say…”

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You Gotta Fight to Be Free

What’s wrong with being comfortable?  What’s wrong with feeling safe?  Nothing…as long as that feeling comes from a healthy relationship where the feelings are mutual.  Sometimes, the hardest relationship to break up from is not the stifling one…it’s the relationship that FEELS safe and secure simply because it’s comfortable.  If you’re struggling with a relationship but can’t figure out why, examine one word: FREEDOM. 

Are you free?  Not from obligation or commitment, but are you free to live the way you want. Are you free to follow your heart?  Are you free to quit the wrong job to pursue the right one?  Are you free to spend time with family, friends, those around you who make you feel good and balanced?  If the answer is a reluctant “No,” you might not be as safe as you thought.  Manipulation isn’t always the result of an evil person trying to control us; we can also lend ourselves to manipulation, or even hand control of our lives over to another person, forcing them, in fact, to make decisions for us.  In some cases, an unbalanced relationship of this kind can regain its equilibrium once the “weaker” party has staked a claim.  In other cases, it’s time to move on.  So take a look at that word.  Make sure it applies to you and your partner.  And if it doesn’t, stake a claim.  As soon as possible.

The toughest step, to paraphrase Al Gore, is facing an “inconvenient truth.” But in order to be free, you have to be willing to free yourself! Talk to your partner.  Talk about the decisions you intend to make for yourself.  If these decisions urge your partner to leave or cause them to feel they cannot continue this relationship, then a break up may be inevitable. YOU should not be in this relationship.  Be strong.  Set yourself free, because no one else will.  In fact, no one else CAN.

“Pink’s announced task is to determine what states of mind we need if we are to be free to act otherwise than as we actually do…”

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Big Break Up – Big City…

I never realized, until a friend from New York pointed it out, that Los Angeles (LA) was a lonely place.  I personally think LA is magical and full of opportunities to reinvent yourself. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. You see, LA is huge and there is no central place, no downtown and very little in the way of a centralized city.  Hours upon hours are spent driving to and from locations each day. LA is made up of many smaller cities which rarely, if ever, have a center.  That creates an environment in which the city’s population learns to fend for itself in terms of socializing.  LA is a car culture, where talking on cell phones, listening to music and fighting traffic over extremely long distances is standard practice. “What does that have to do with breaking up?”, you ask. 

Well, the fact that no one walks in LA is significant.  You can drive to a new town and engage in new hobbies.  You can change your environment as fast as you change into new clothes. In LA, breakup recovery requires two things.  One is a reliable car the other is music.  Luckily they both go hand in hand. LA is a music culture because we spend so much time in our cars.  We rely on music to soothe us, during intense driving. During a breakup this is particularly helpful, since music is a key component of healing. Music helps us escape the depression of lost love.  Most cars despite their condition have, at the very least, a radio.  Today we have more music choices than ever, you will find MP3 players, CD players and satellite radios in our cars, just to name a few. Does that make breakup recovery easier in LA? Not necessarily, since finding a new relationship is difficult in such a scattered environment.  Still, the car is a very intimate place to heal and healing is the key to new relationships.

In a big city you commonly have big breakups.  It is easy to hide and even disappear in such an environment.  The odds of running into an X-boy or girlfriend walking on the street are extremely low in LA.  In fact, in most cases you may live in completely different cities within LA county. That is actually a good thing because you will be given the opportunity to heal with out reminders of the person that hurt you or that you hurt.  In the big city, you can change your attitude by finding a new latitude.  This ability to change environments is a challenge. If met with success though, healing is a breeze. 

Culture also plays a role in breaking up in a big city.  changing your life is simplified because one has the choice of joining so many different communities here.  You can drive anywhere and set up your social camp.  The hard part of course is meeting new people.  Big cities are a complex series of networks.  Starting with a small network and working your way into bigger networks is the key.  In LA, this is standard social decorum.  Joining a network that is well established is difficult unless someone brings you in, so you need to meet that someone first.  Creating one is difficult because everything is so spread out, so you need to join an established network. These networks of people are not formal clubs of course, so you need to be outgoing on some level to meet its  members. Music can help you be more outgoing due to its inherent conversational quality.  Who doesn’t want to talk about music in the big city?

This is the defining aspect in a breakup.  Those that are most successful in a big city breakup are usually outgoing.  Does that mean you have to be a party animal to join a new or lost network of friends?  No, you don’t, but you cannot hide until the tears stop rolling down your face.  You need to be open to new ideas and people.  In a huge intimidating city, that becomes a challenge.  To overcome this challenge you need courage.  Courage can be fueled by the anger caused by the break up.  Yes, we are taught all of our lives to avoid anger and hide it.  That way of thinking is detrimental in a break up.  You must express your anger in healthy ways.

Music is both expressive and healthy. Find music that helps you cry and scream. This music will begin the healing process.  After that, begin your new life, using the anger as the fuel for courage.  Anger will motivate you to meet new people.  Do not give into depression. Give into music, driving, friends and family.  The big city can be conquered, but you need the essential tools.  Surviving a break up in LA requires a car and great music.  Surely you recognize the simplicity in that…

“Almost everyone we know has been through heartbreak. The first step towards healing is to acknowledge the fact that it happens. Accept it and move on. Here are some suggestions you might find helpful…”

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