Prepare for dissapointment, but strive for success…

Our motto is, “success is the best revenge”.  We say that because we are confident that using the energy that one feels during a break up for your benefit of health rather than for self pity will lead to success.  When we as a species are disappointed we are given two choices, fight or flight.  Why should you run away (flight), when you can face your fears and learn to fight?  Fighting depression and low self esteem is a worthy cause.
 
This attitude will hep you cope with disappointment to the extent that you will be able to achieve great success and inner strength. Striving to better yourself during bouts of sadness will help you heal. When one is hit with emotional trauma, a certain focus arises from within that can be used for the benefit of one’s self.  Sure, many use this focus to concentrate deeply on their loss.  The question is why?  If you have a chance to use your focus for success, then why not use it?  Breakups  are an opportunity to have a relationship with yourself.  Think about it.

Crying over spilled milk is fine for the first few days, or even weeks, of a break up.  The problem is that you will never feel better unless you try to get up, shake off the dirt and get back on the horse.  When we say horse we do not mean dating.  We are talking about exercise, eating right and getting a life.  Sure, you are no longer a couple, boo hoo.  The point is NOT to become a couple again.  If you take care of yourself, relationships will come to you.

Your focus should be on becoming a stronger and more healthy individual.  When you pursue success, dating and relationships are a breeze.  Remember, prepare for disappointment, but strive for success.  Preparing for dissapointment involves setting realistic goals.  Smalls goals at first and larger ones as time progresses. In the end you will be successful, just because you tried.  Trying helps you heal.  Trying teaches you the true meaning of the relationship that has just ended.

“I’m not saying that disappointment isn’t valid, but rather, by examining the root of why something or someone disappoints us, we can discover a lot about ourselves and find peace of mind.”

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So many ways to break up, so little time…

At the risk of being frivolous, we are posting this light hearted article.  We realize that breakups are difficult and emoitionally draining.  That is why we strongly believe in comedy as a therapudic way to relieve anxiety and stress.  Focus on laughter and comedy when you are stressed and tell us what you think.  If it works we will continue to post light hearted articles every now and then.

Breakups occur for many reasons, but what they all have in common is that one they will make you laugh.  It’s hard to picture at the moment, but it’s true. We hear hundreds of stories of people that broke up, then learned to laugh about the crazy situations that led up to that break up.  It is human nature to laugh about something that made you cry.  When in a relationship it is difficult to imagine life without one or within a new one.  Trust us, this is not the case after a break up.  When you learn to be alone and to appreciate moments in which you can redifine yourself, things change.  Laughing about a traumatic event that led to a great situation is natural.  Try to envision yourself at the point when the break up becomes funny.  You may not laugh, but you will feel better.

Remember, there are many ways in which a breakup can take place.  We are of the belief that one must initiate a break up as soon as one is committed to doing so.  Delaying this process is hurtful to all parties involved.  Honesty, regardless of the circumstances, will set you free.  Yes there are several ways to soften the blow.  We encourage that!  Nevertheless, holding back any part of the truth may create ambiguity which is the last thing any one wants in this situation. 

Alternatively, there are situations in which breaking up is not such a big deal.  There are plenty of articles on this site that talk about the serious nature of break ups, but few that deal with odd situations.  Below are some fun audio files from our archive…

Compassionate Break Up

Funny break up story 1

Funny break up story 2

Break up or stay together? The answer is, yes…

Most breakups occur once they are initiated whether couples want to stay together or not.  The trick is to know your situation despite what you intend to do.  This break up momentum is mostly due to a loss of trust.  That loss is difficult to overcome, but not impossible.  How do you know if you can overcome such a loss?  Well, the answer is a bit complex.  First you have to know whether or not you love your partner enough.  Then you have to asses whether your partner loves you enough.  That is the hard part of course, since it requires trust to believe someone in the first place. 

That trust complexity is not the only stumbling block.  You must also, learn to appreciate your partner in ways you never did before.  To do all this you have to start at the beginning, when you didn’t know a thing about your partner.  This will help re-map the brain’s memory of love.  The love map is important because it defines how much you love a person.  I know, this is not an exact science and you must practice a lot before getting all this mapping stuff down.  Nevertheless, if your relationship is worth anything you should look into the love map.  If you are breaking up for sure, then read on because the love map can help you in other ways. Salvaging the relationship is not the only reason to look at your love map.  You may both discover that there is no interest in saving your relationship, saving both of you the heart ache and guilt of being the “bad guy”.

The article below provides straightforward tools that will help you discover how the love for your partner is mapped.  These tools will also help you decipher whether or not you know your partner well enough to determine if a break up is inevitable.  That, by the way, is the key to any break up.  Most of us are not entirely sure we know someone.  Our instincts are always more keen than our intellect in these matters.  If your instinct tells you that there are aspects of your partner that you do not know, then for Pete’s sake find out what they are.

We often advise people to initate inevitable break ups as soon as possible to circumvent abusive treatment.  People become abusive because they lost trust or because they feel guilty. The thing people may not understand is that this abuse is heightened by one’s inability to determine whether a break up is necessary.  One gets anxious and starts to sabotage the relationship so that is seems out of control.  People at this point hope that destiny takes over and that decisions are made by amount of pain one can take.  All this abuse is unnecessary if one accesses the brain’s map to see how much love is there.  Only at that point can you determine what to do. 

Remember there are two choices.  The first is leaving.  If you know that there is too much to overcome in terms of your love map, then leave.  If you know that you can enhance your love map to better appreciate your partner, then consider staying.  Always keep in mind that you need to find out if your partner is willing to perform love map exercises with you.  Without your partner’s cooperation all this is pointless.  The article bellow explains the love map theory.

What BreakUpService has to say:

know your partner well.  This takes time and energy.  If you are in a break up situation, then go all out.  What do you have to lose after all?  Argue, plead, talk, cry or laugh, do whatever it takes to know everything about your partner first.  If your partner engages and does likewise, then both of you will know whether you belong together or not.  If your mind is made up and you want to break up, then perform this exercise anyway.  Help your partner get over the fact that you want to break up, by showing him/her what you’re all about.  This practice will help you with your future relationships, since all successful romances require full disclosure.  Why not practice on a relationship in which you have little to lose.  It will help you and your partner despite the outcome…

“…in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. But the other 33% did not see such a drop, and many felt their marriages had improved. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps…”

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Breaking up a relationship requires a sound business model…

  Let’s get down to business.  You wanna break up? Fine, here is the skinny on breaking up.  First you need a sound business plan.  Yes, a business partnership is similar to a loving relationship.  Both parties involved in a partnership and a relationship must compromise and trust one another in order to succeed.  If that trust is broken or incompatibilities arise, then a dissolution of that partnership or relationship is required.  Viewing a relationship as a business may help you cope with the complexities of breaking up.  I am sure that you know in your heart that this break up must occur.  With this in mind, all you need is courage and a plan.

When creating your plan to break up with your partner in love, keep some simple and sound business partnership dissolution strategies in mind:

1) You must, on some level, love this person.  If that is the case letting this person down now instead of later is the right thing to do.  This person should know the truth about your feelings.  As in a business partnership, success comes from both parties doing their best for the sake of the business. If one of the partners is not doing their best, then that partner should quit and call it a day now before profits are lost.

2) Laying out the truth in a concise and practical manner makes the most business sense.  Remember in any business, partners have a lot invested and stand to lose as much as you do when the business falls apart.  An irrefutable practical plan will help all those involved move on. In love there are other complications of course, but deep down inside you know that a partnership requires at least two people.  If there is a third (infidelity) who stands to lose nothing, then the partnership should be dissolved.  If one of the partners want out, then it’s just business.

3) The slower the dissolution of a partnership the more expensive it becomes.  Businesses spend a lot of time and money to dissolve a partnership.  The simpler the plan and the more committed a party is to dissolving a business the cheaper it is for all.  Be compassionate and fair.  If you want out, let your partner take what is fare.  Focus on the big picture.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

4) Loving relationships have the same advantage as a successful business partnership – two partners each have a business.  In other words, rather than breaking up one business, split it into two profitable and healthy ventures.  If a partnership needs to end, then why not start two smaller businesses rather than break up one large one.  In love matters, this is also true.  Both people will continue on as productive and attractive people.  You are not destroying one great person.  You are breaking up a partnership where each party contributed their attributes to make the partnership successful.  After the break up, two partners can continue doing what they do best.  There is no destiny in business, nor should their be in a relationship. Both parties are capable of creating their own future.

5) Stick to your plan.  There is no need to compromise in a situation that is practical.  If you no longer, nor will you ever, contribute to the partnership, then what is the point of continuing to call it a partnership.  Make it a clean break.  The most respected people on earth are both honest and courageous.  Throw yourself at the mercy of the court and envision yourself on the other side of this whole traumatic event. 

6) Why burn any bridges.  In business the opportunity to team up again is always a possibility.  There is no need for sabotage or fleecing.  Having integrity will help you form better partnerships in the future. Love and business require compromise and trust.  If that does not exist at the moment, then you have to assume it may in the future.  Treat your partner with respect and move on.  Sometime down the line you will be rewarded for your great behavior now.  This is a universal truth in business and in love…

Boy, the bloom has really gone off the rose in this relationship, hasn’t it? Playing devil’s advocate, though, I have some tough questions for you:

* How well did you know this person before you made her your 50 percent partner?
* Who made her president of your company?
* Who allowed her to put the business address, bank books, etc. in her name?
* When her poor communication skills cost your LLC business and customers, what did you say to her?

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Analyzing the love reaction will help you cope with loss…

Analyzing love is a great coping mechanism when dealing with lost love.  It turns out that analyzing, what we call, the love reaction helps us understand that emotional pain stems from our perspective.  Looking at love as a scientific process by which we connect, helps us detach from the pain of its loss.  Sometimes we become obsessed with our interpretation of love rather than seeing love as a natural path to forming bonds with others.  This obsession increases our pain because we forget that our experiences are a series of chemical changes.  Forgetting that these chemical changes are what makes us feel love is dangerous because we lose site of the fact that we control our emotions. Not controlling our emotions can send us into a tailspin of depression – not good.

So how do we overcome depression and convert all these feelings into a more sane point of view?  Science!  Yes, the more we understand about love and how it affects us, the more confident we become when trying to control emotional pain.  Forming a physical bond with someone takes place because of chemical changes in our minds.  If these chemical changes are a process, then a simple recalibration of those reactions will help us cope.  The more you know about love the better.

We see this love reaction as a spiritual voyage, a gift from above – a journey towards our destiny.  That is all well and good when we are in a relationship. If we are in a midst of a break up, on the other hand, then that kind of thinking can lead to depression.  It leads to depression because we feel that destiny, God or the universe is letting us down.  Fortunately, that is not true.  Love is a series of chemical reactions that help us feel things we typically enjoy.  Breakups, by the same token, are a series of events that break down the memories of those chemical reactions.  By viewing love and the loss as chemical processes we begin to see the solutions that help us cope. One solution of course is that these chemical reactions can be triggered again by other relationships. The same reactions are triggered by other types of love.

Yes, looking forward to another, new and meaningful relationship helps us trigger these same chemical reactions, lowering the risk of depression.  Looking forward to a healthy and meaningful relationship can also trigger what we like to call our, “single mode”.  This single mode is when we are most capable of taking care of ourselves.  In “single mode” we often go out of our way to eat right, look good and sound great.  Why?  We evolved to breed, to mate and to get along with others.  By loosing our mate an ancient instinct kicks in that prepares us to hunt and gather.  At this point we are ready for action.  It is natural to look and feel good after a traumatic event .  It is natural because we, the human race, are survivors.  We evolved to survive such events in our lives.  Knowing all this, can help you trigger this instinct to become stronger while we are single to attract other mates.  Isn’t nature amazing?  We think it is, so get out there and start looking ahead to more interactions with people you find attractive. Or better yet, find people that you love on any level.

Please keep in mind that the love reaction can also be triggered by spending time with people you love in other ways.  Family and friends come into play at this stage, so call your family or friends that you consider family.  These people with help you cope and reinvigorate you ability to take chances with the newness of your life.  Love for your family and friends provides the same chemical reactions that made you happy in your previous relationship.  Never underestimate the power of love…

“Cupid’s chemicals
Flushed cheeks, a racing heart beat and clammy hands are some of the outward signs of being in love. But inside the body there are definite chemical signs that cupid has fired his arrow…”

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A little success never killed anyone…

We create our own reality. That’s the beauty of life.  Your reality at the moment may be that a great pain has stricken your heart.  Breakups will do that.  Nevertheless, this breakup can also be seen as an opportunity to change your life for the better – to succeed now that you are free to do so.  You may have viewed your life as satisfying, but there is always room for improvement.  That improvemt comes from letting go of the past – from letting go of your attachement to your ex. Let’s say your mad at your ex for leaving you.  Great, use that energy to create success.  Success is not luck, by the way.  It is a set of skills that can be learned or taught.  These skills take practice of course, so you need to start now.

The best revenge is success. Why?  Because it works.  If you become successful after a breakup, then all the pain and drama you went through was worth it.  I know, I know, I make it sound easy.  I realize that while in a state of emotional trauma, everything seems daunting.  That is where practice saves the day.  Just take it one step at a time. You wake up depressed and tired, you put on your shoes one at a time, then you go out and do one thing to improve your life.  The next week you attempt two things to improve your life and so on.  Take “Baby steps” towards your goals.  Time will pass the pain will subside and soon your focus will turn to improving your life and not feeling bad about your lost relationship. 

Thanks to many of our readers we’ve come up with three rules to a more successful you:

1) “THERE IS NO PAIN”:  In other words, the pain your feel is emotional.  It feels real, but the reality is that your emotional pain is under your control. Emotional pain can be controlled to the extent that you can force yourself to feel better day by day.  Morphing that pain into an understanding of why you are hurt helps you realize that there is no real pain.  Emotional pain is how we express loss.  Luckily, loss can be expressed in many ways.  You can pour your energy into work, exercise, projects or learning.  There is no pain, just your interpretation of past events.  Change your perspective and redefine your pain.  Make your pain work for you.  We find that many in a painful situation people have a sense of focus rarely seen in people who are content.

2) “NO FEAR”:  We are typically hurt by lost love because we fear the outcome of not having our partners with us.  We are afraid of being alone.  This fear reeks havoc on a person’s self esteem.  Recognizing that pain stems from this fear, helps us realize that being alone is natural.  Most of us have a fear of being alone.  It’s what makes us social beings. Despite this, we can learn to cherish times of loneliness and appreciate other types of love.  Love for one’s self for instance. Successful people move forward despite thier fears, some in spite of them.  Happy people learn to accept that we come into this world alone and that’s how we exit.  Depressed people focus on the lonliness and forget that it’s all in our heads.  Get up, get out and get healed.  All it takes is courage.  If there is no pain and no fear, then their is nothing stopping you from reaching success.

3) “THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW”:  Focusing on the future helps us cope with today.  Facing what comes next with courage and optimism is the key. Constantly looking back is the downfall of all who attempt to climb out of the doldrums.  There is no better way to make yourself feel better than to start a plan that will come to fruition in the distant future.  If you have something to look forward to, you automatically start feeling better.  Start a new project, take some classes, learn a new language, do something good or bad.  Start today, before you know it the road you chose will lead to success.  The first step is always the hardest, so take a leap of faith and start now…

“…Todd Parr got hit with rejection after rejection from art dealers. He dealt with the blows in a way perhaps not all psychologists would be quick to recommend: He went straight into denial. “I pretended they didn’t happen. I’d be wrecked on the inside for a moment, but I wouldn’t give up. I was naive, blind, and in denial-but determined!”

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Do you know what you want?

From the Dr. of Reality:

In my experiences working with people, I’ve discovered that complaining for the sake of complaining is an easy habit to pick up. Verbalizing what we don’t like about our lives, or listing what we believe to be the roadblocks to our happiness becomes a snowball that grows so big it rolls over everything in its path. Worse yet, the inner dialogues that we often subject ourselves to can beat us down to a pulp, to a shell of the person we once were. There is a way to avoid all this though.

This is sort of a good news bad news scenario. The good news is that you are in complete control and can create the life that you’ve always dreamed of. The bad news is it will require you to change at a fundamental level. Don’t get me wrong this is not bad news as far as we are concerned. We believe that change is great and it should be welcomed. However it is often perceived as bad news by people that have just suffered an emotional trauma such as a breakup. Complaining helps most of us vent and release anger and anguish, but when we get carried away, we lose site of what we want. We want to feel better, but we get caught up in all the complaining. We depress ourselves.

We are what we think.  If we pour all of our energy into what we don’t have, we lose the ability to focus on what we want – hapiness. It is easy to lose site of what makes us happy when we are so focused on what doesn’t.  The fastest way to quiet a chronic complainer is to ask them what makes them happy. Are you one of those people?

If I were to ask you to list the 10 things in your life that make you happy or 10 things that would/could make you happy, what would the list say? I don’t mean things like winning the lottery either, I mean things that are really possible, things that are in your control.  Getting a promotion at work or going to dinner with friends are good examples. Those things typically make us happy. Spend some time thinking about what you want and about what would make you happy. When you place emphasis on happiness, you gain a clear picture of how that happiness will come to fruition.  The odds of happiness becoming a real part of your life are better when you forget about what makes you sad. The bottom line is that we find what we seek, so seek to feel good and make a list of positive things in your life. After that, do me a favor and get rid of the list of things you hate…

“Depression involves sadness, pessimism, a preoccupation with personal problems, and perhaps feeling sorry for one’s self, anguish, crying, and hopelessness. Depressed people often lose interest in many activities and social contacts because of loss of pleasure in and enthusiasm for their usual activities…”

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Heal yourself, take risks

One of our main objectives is to motivate those in a break up situation to heal themselves as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it’s hard to imagine that all the pain you feel is temporary.  It feels permanent.  Think about it though, was your relationship permanent?  Is anything on earth permanent?  We say, “NO”.  Life is always evolving and changing around us.  Successful people gain momentum with change.  In fact, in some cases these people create change themselves, guiding life’s chaos into a desired direction.  You too can do this.

What does it take?  Well, the simple answer is courage.  If you face the future with optimism and plunge into the unknown with an open mind, then great things can happen.  While in a state of emotional flux, it is recommended that you focus on self improvement.  The best way to succeed is to fail over and over again.  Trust me, that is soo not easy.  Nevertheless, it is doable.  Failing takes practice.  You have to be totally aware that you will fail, then you must accept failure as part of your daily routine.  Once this is mastered, you will achieve a state of, “not caring”.  We call it a sate of “not caring”, because you will not bother with all the worry of failing or making a fool of yourself.  This will encourage you to try new things, since failure becomes a real possibility that you can live with. Why?  Because it is the only way you will succeed.  Those that reach their goals did so by trying, time and time again.  Failure is an option.  Failing to meet a goal is the only way you get good at anything. 

Think about it.  If you want to be a tennis pro, you need to lose against people that are better than you. You continue to lose until you acquire skills.  Once those skills take hold, you will begin to win.  Yes, it seems counter-intuitive, but it is a time tested system that works.  In this state of emotional sadness and fear you will be able to make your mind flexible.  After all, what do you have to lose? Take chances, go for the gold.  Breakups are a great opportunity to discover what you are really capable of, without risking anything in terms of a relationship.

Those that learn to fail, learn to try again.  Those that try again, learn to win.  Those that win, are never afraid of failing.  There is nothing on earth more satisfying than facing your fears.  Take this opportunity to improve your skills in anything you desire.  Expose yourself to humiliation.  You will find that failing is not as bad as it seems.  It induces courage and courage is all you need to enter into another relationship.  If you’re angry, use that anger to motivate yourself to try new things.  In a few months you will have mastered a new skill that will carry you into the next phase of your life.  Once you get over your ex, you will have a skill to show for all your pain and suffering.  Make all this pain work for you.  Live a little and invest in taking chances.  Become one with your vulnerability. The essence of courage is the ability to recognize your fears and to continue forward despite them…

“What lets risk-takers mine primal sources or soar with creative currents? These “on the edge” individuals:

Are not overly preoccupied with making mistakes or with social disapproval; they are able to tolerate the anxiety of separateness, 

Have a strong enough ego to admit when they are wrong or in trouble, and 

Analyze, emotionally experience and learn from trial and error. And with this foundation, “creative persons are precisely those that take the cards that make them anxious” (May)…” 

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Get over yourself

Yes breakups are hard. We get it! Nevertheless, the focus should be on getting over them.  If you know in your heart of hearts that’s is over, why can’t you move on?  Could it be that you are obsessed with yourself.  Yes, it sounds rather harsh, but it does happen.  Depression can be avoided if your mind is in the right place.  It is difficult to “move on” if you are constantly focusing on what you did wrong or why your partner decided to call it quits. 

In most cases the failed relationship never got off the ground.  It could be that both of you were not compatible or that your partner never revealed his or her true self to begin with.  Believe it or not, most breakups that do not involve infidelity are not anyone’s fault.  If you cheated on someone or someone cheated on you, the problem is clear.  A trust was broken, someone was hurt, yet you have to move on.  Can you blame someone.  Sure, why not? Blame human nature for its tendency to look for greener grass. blame your ex-partner for not having the courage to tell you the truth.  You can also blame yourself for not knowing what was going to happen.  Just keep in mind that in the end, it will not help you in any way to cast blame.  Getting over the pain involves work and focus.  Self improvement and reflection are key components of healing after a break up.

On the other hand, if you and your partner parted without a third party involved, then count your blessings and get on with the healing.  If someone broke up with you because they did not see a future for the relationship, then please appreciate how lucky you are.  You get to find someone that loves you for you.  “Moving on” requires learning and courage.  It requires courage to face the future with an open mind. It also requires that you implement what you learned in your previous relationship to succeed in your next. 

Learning cannot come about if you are obsessed with yourself.  You need to look at the situation objectively.  To do this you need perspective. Yes it helps in some cases to look inwardly, but not to the extent that your feelings are all that you see.  Get over yourself and come back better than ever.   In this article you will find out how to be part of the elite crowd Psychology Today calls, “The Thick Skinned”.

“Say someone isn’t paying you enough attention. You brood and brood. “Is she mad at me?” “Did I say something wrong?” Your gloomy thoughts intensify, leaving you emotionally crippled and thinking that you have ruined everything…”

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Converting anger into love…

We always say that anger can be a good thing.  Anger is energy.  Energy can be focused and aimed at a goal.  Here is a heartwarming tale of a woman who turned anger into love.  After all, we are about love.  Yes, we always say, “a break up can be a good thing.”  The thing is, without new found love, a break up is irrelevant.  It is important to focus on all the amazing ways people in this world can find love.  Remember, getting over a break up requires family, friends, self improvement and time.  Use your anger to focus on those things. 

Your life will fall into place on its own.  All you need to do is become a stronger and more insightful person.  Read, travel get to know yourself.   Carol Hernandez took her single life and created more love than she could have imagined. The power of love is tremendous.  Focus on something other than romance until you heal…

“I saw Diana and just knew she was meant to be my daughter,” Hernandez said. “I saw in her a special light, and I thought, if that child had love and the proper support behind her, she could fly…”

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